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OP-ED: Don't Even Talk to Me Until I've Had My Poppers


Photo by Lucas Weiner / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Hey man, how are ya? Oh yeah? That's awesome. Glad to hear it. Uh-huh.

Say, I don't want this to come off the wrong way, because I'm totally interested in what you're saying, but do you think we could continue this conversation some other time? Maybe in a few hours? 

See, it's just way too early in the day right now – I haven't even had my poppers yet. And let me tell you, I'm basically a monster before I get my poppers. Know what I mean?

Like, seriously, everything you're saying to me is going in one ear and out the other. I can't follow a sentence for shit right now. I'm honestly just not myself before I have my first whiff of the day. Just a dumb, irritable sack of shit wandering aimlessly from place to place. I'm sure you can relate, haha.

Poppers are an essential part of my morning routine. I truly do not understand people who don't like them. Like, I need them. I've gotta have a little sniff-sniff first thing in the AM to wake me up and chill me out. And, not for nothing, they really help keep my morning shits on a tight schedule. Poppa's gotta have his medicine, ya dig?

But yeah, I swear, once I've had my poppers, I'll totally be ready to hear more about what you were talking about earlier. Just for future reference, though, don't even talk to me until I've had my poppers.