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Knock Knock! I’m Lucy, a Sophomore. Can I Have Your Lease?


Photo by Niko_Shogol / Pixabay

Knock knock! Hi! My name’s Lucy. I’m a sophomore, haha. I was just looking by and couldn’t help but notice what a nice, cozy little townhouse you have here! It looks so nice. Pretty spacious, too. 615 Harnwell has nothing on a house as nice as this. That’s where I live with some of my girlfriends, aha. We got into the apartment hunting game pretty late last year, so we sorta got stuck living on campus again. Haha, we kinda hate it. Speaking of, can I have your lease? 

No pressure or anything. I know we just met. But I don’t know if it’s just me, but I genuinely think we’re starting to have a connection here. A real rapport, if you will. As soon as you opened that door, there was like, static in the air. Do you believe in friendship at first sight? Because I do, and I think that’s what’s going on here.

Oh? What’s that? You’re a junior? This is a house of juniors? Oh, I’m sorry. I had no idea. Yeah, I’ll just be leaving now. Yeah. Sorry to bother you.

But before I go. Wouldn’t you rather live somewhere else? This place looks a little run-down. I bet you guys have a possum or two living in the basement. And God, this place is right in the middle of frat house row. It must be reaallllyyyy hard to fall asleep at night with all of these parties going on. I bet if you started looking now, you could find a nice apartment somewhere that isn’t here. Maybe even a room in Rodin wouldn’t be so bad as this. Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I want to do what’s best for you. I’d be more than happy to take this run-down landfill off your hands. You just have to give me your lease. And think about it. It’s a pretty sick deal. Me and my friends get to move into your house, and then you and your friends get to go live somewhere else. 

Please. I’m begging you. We’re not that desperate, but also we’re pretty desperate. We’ve done our time. We’ve had our sophomore experience. Now we all just really, really want to escape Penn’s campus. And the only way for us to do that is for you to give us your lease. And you’re gonna give it to us. Right?