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OP-ED: Hey, Can You Crack My Back?


Photo by Benjamin Davidson / CC BY-SA 2.0

Ugh. My back has been aching for DAYS. I’ve been too stressed lately. Midterms every week, y’know? I honestly need a professional chiropractor. Swear to God. My back has been bad since, like, birth. But hey… since we’re doing a group project together and everything… do you think you could crack my back? 

Oh, don’t worry if you don’t know how. I’ll tell you how. Just stand behind me… like that, yes, and just yank me up. Ooh- ah not like that. Ah! Nice, did you hear that sharp crack? That was my spine realigning itself. OoOhh that feels so much better. 

But hey, while we’re at it, do you think you could step on my back? What? It’s not that weird. My back just needs to be pulverized a little bit. By your feet. Take your shoes off first, though. I’ll get down on the floor… like this… now you just come over here… and step on my back, and make sure that you really knead into it… pretend that you’re a Greek present crushing grapes with your feet…. yesssSsSsss…. just like that. 

Ah. Ok. Now we can get back to the marketing project. Except, I have knots. Horrible, horrible knots. Honestly, they’re the worst knots I’ve ever had, and I bet you’ve never seen knots worse than mine. If you could just take your elbow and jam it into my shoulder, I’d owe you big time. No joke. Ok now really lean into it… get a little lower… a little to the right… up a bit more… oooh I feel so much better already. You’re really good at unraveling those knots, so to speak! Haha! You should really think about being a chiropractor. I think you have a natural gift for this. I’m not kidding. 

But before we get started on this marketing project again, do you think you could kiss my forehead? Mother always kissed my forehead after she gave me full-body massages. It’s just… I’ve been really homesick lately, and I think I could be much more helpful for this project if you kissed my forehead. Please?