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Just Because Your Dick Itches Doesn't Mean You Can Adjust in Lecture, Jeremy


Photo by Photo Monkey / CC BY 2.0

Dear Jeremy,

Hi. It’s me, the guy who you always sit next to in geology lecture. You seem like a real stand-up guy. Seems like you have decent hygiene, though that hair looked a little greasy yesterday if I’m being honest. Look, I don’t want to make this awkward, but please, for the love of God, don’t adjust your dick in the middle of lecture. 

I know. I get it. Sometimes the twins need some attention. But as a man who also has a penis and testicles, I can speak from personal experience that you don’t have to grope yourself in the middle of lecture. You could adjust in the bathroom, maybe. I don’t mean to be insensitive. It’s just that when you’re tugging at your meat clappers right in front of me, I can’t help but feel 1) slightly uncomfortable and 2) slightly disgusted. And Lord knows, I am not the only one in that lecture who has noticed. In fact, I am near certain that two weeks ago your adjustment was so brazen and out in the open so as to make the professor completely lose his train of thought.

Granted, I am not you, Jeremy. I don’t know what kinds of itching you’re going through down there. But if it’s really that bad I would consider going to Student Health Services and getting an STD test. Or at least wear a really baggy sweatshirt so that if you really must do the deed you can do it discreetly. 

Or who knows, maybe you’re not actually itching down there. Maybe you just really need everyone to know that you’re a BIG, STRONG MAN with GIGANTIC, UNRULY TESTICLES. Well, rest assured Jeremy. I know you have a dick. Just know that the dick you have will never be as big a dick as you are.