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Quiz: Do Your Parents Miss You or Do They Just Feel Obligated to Talk to You?
Josh CampbellThursday, Jan. 30, 2020Thu, Jan 30, 2020
1.Slowly, over time, have your parents stopped saying your name and started calling you by generic names like "champ", "kiddo", "disappointment", or "buddy"?
A: They usually say my name two to five times every sentence to make sure they don't forget it.
B: When I call, they tell me to 'hold on, I need to check your birth certificate.'
C: They usually ask me if I'm calling the wrong number.
D: I never talk to my parents.
2.When was the last time your parents expressed disappointment in you?
A: Never. I am a paradigm of human excellence.
B: The third time they caught me in a compromising position with a peach.
C: When I asked them for a single bean.
D: When I called them over the phone sobbing, telling them that I miss them and wish they were a larger presence in my life.
3.How much of your childhood trauma stems specifically from the way your parents raised you?
A: T-trauma? Who has that? Ha. Hahahahahahahahah-
B: My parents are two very nice, gentle people who never really wanted to commit to the responsibilities of childrearing and I suffered for it.
C: Let's not talk about it.
D: I was raised as an upstanding, moral individual thanks to the occasional spanking.
4.Do you often dream of your mother giving you a nice, warm sponge bath, as if your brain is craving maternal comfort?
A: Yes, but it is my father who is doing the sponging.
B: No, I do not dream because I cannot fall asleep at night because I worry that my parents hate me.
C: Yes, except I wasn't dreaming, and I was, in fact, remembering the last night I spent time with my mother before returning to school.
D: I'm allergic to sponges, so this is not a dream, but a nightmare.
5.If you were asked to identify the sound of your father's voice, would you be able to do it?
A: No, because my father's voice is identical to that of James Earl Jones and I think every man sounds like James Earl Jones.
B: No, because my father has a medical condition that does not allow him to speak.
C: No, because I have not talked to my father since I left home.
D: No, because my father is a chronic smoker, smokes twenty cigarettes a day, and as a result his voice becomes more unrecognizable with every passing day.
6.If you do not call your parents, will they ever call you?
