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Quiz: Do Your Parents Miss You or Do They Just Feel Obligated to Talk to You?


Photo by SteFou! / CC BY 2.0

1.Slowly, over time, have your parents stopped saying your name and started calling you by generic names like "champ", "kiddo", "disappointment", or "buddy"?

A: They usually say my name two to five times every sentence to make sure they don't forget it.
B: When I call, they tell me to 'hold on, I need to check your birth certificate.'
C: They usually ask me if I'm calling the wrong number.
D: I never talk to my parents.

2.When was the last time your parents expressed disappointment in you?

A: Never. I am a paradigm of human excellence.
B: The third time they caught me in a compromising position with a peach.
C: When I asked them for a single bean.
D: When I called them over the phone sobbing, telling them that I miss them and wish they were a larger presence in my life.

3.How much of your childhood trauma stems specifically from the way your parents raised you?

A: T-trauma? Who has that? Ha. Hahahahahahahahah-
B: My parents are two very nice, gentle people who never really wanted to commit to the responsibilities of childrearing and I suffered for it.
C: Let's not talk about it.
D: I was raised as an upstanding, moral individual thanks to the occasional spanking.

4.Do you often dream of your mother giving you a nice, warm sponge bath, as if your brain is craving maternal comfort?

A: Yes, but it is my father who is doing the sponging.
B: No, I do not dream because I cannot fall asleep at night because I worry that my parents hate me.
C: Yes, except I wasn't dreaming, and I was, in fact, remembering the last night I spent time with my mother before returning to school.
D: I'm allergic to sponges, so this is not a dream, but a nightmare.

5.If you were asked to identify the sound of your father's voice, would you be able to do it?

A: No, because my father's voice is identical to that of James Earl Jones and I think every man sounds like James Earl Jones.
B: No, because my father has a medical condition that does not allow him to speak.
C: No, because I have not talked to my father since I left home.
D: No, because my father is a chronic smoker, smokes twenty cigarettes a day, and as a result his voice becomes more unrecognizable with every passing day.

6.If you do not call your parents, will they ever call you?

A: No.
B: No.
C: No.
D: No.