Choose Your Own Adventure: Will You Resist Your Cousin’s Sexual Advances in Quarantine?

“Addie,” you begin, managing your anger as best you can. “Those triscuits that you’ve destroyed are the only thing getting me through this quarantine. You have made me very upset by desecrating them. You have also made me very upset by invading my private space. Furthermore, looking at you is terrifying. I prefer to do that as little as possible. Also, I think you’re going to murder me. Please leave.”

Addie looks down at the floor and then back up at you. Very slowly, they sit down on your bed. They fold their hands in their lap. They meet your gaze. “Thank you for being so open and vulnerable with me. I would like to be clear — I have never wanted to murder you, ever. Sometimes I lose my temper around you, but that is because I care very deeply about you as an individual.” Addie stares at the ground a moment before turning to speak to you again. “I don’t know how to express my feelings very well, and I think you are very attractive and basically what I’m saying is that I think we should have sex.” 

“But… incest…” 

“I’m sorry Addie, but no. Not only are you my cousin, you are also a fugly bitch.”