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52 Weeks, Faces, and Stories of People at My Party Tonight


Photo by Eli Duke / CC BY-SA 2.0

“When I decided to throw down tonight, it was less so because I felt like getting glizzy, and more so to stick a fat one to the establishment. You believe this narrative that a virus from a chinese bat came all the way to America and shut down our economy for a year!? Everyone knows bats can’t fly that far.”

  • Alan, party thrower

“Thus far, Alan has actually been a pretty good Air bnb host. Free wifi, coffee maker, foot rubs, and inhouse QAnon meetings. Do I wish he had asked me before throwing a party tonight? Sure - but if Alan sneaking into my bed every night unannounced wasn’t a warning sign that he isn’t a big asker, I don’t know what is.”

  • Louis, 90 year old immunosuppressed war hero

“Chaz up in this motherfucker.  Been waiting all year to get down and and distasteful at a shindig like this. 4 days out from testing positive for COVID - I’ve never been safer in my life. I know what you’re thinking, but Alan said it was cool. He is even letting me sleep over - I’m sharing a bed with Louis!” 

  • Chaz, Frat brother/COVID Patient

“Hi I’m Lindsey and I think Becky is gonna get the drunkest tonight because her grandpa just died and she’s been on an absolute bender since. She is so fun.”

  • Lindsey, confused Tik Tok influencer

“Peter reporting. Ever since the pandemic began I have made it my duty and purpose to crack down on illegal gatherings. I have assembled a neighborhood watch squad and plan on sneaking in and sabotaging Alan’s party tonight. I and my confidant / partner in crime Moishe are sneaking in tonight with 4 gallons of lighter fluid and 2 shabbat candles. I’ll just say this - Alan will get the lit party he wanted...Tyler Durden style. We do this to save lives, but more importantly we do this to avenge our rightful leader, Hilary Clinton.” 

  • Peter, Martyr 

“Hey, my name is Rich. I live in a tent on Alan’s front stoop - weirdly enough he pays me to live there (he says it advances his clout). Wasn’t invited in to the party tonight but I’m having my own party in my tent. I’m the only person who has responded yes to the evite but you know what they say - It takes 2 to tango unless you're schizophrenic!”

  • Rich, homeless clout promoter

“No, why the fuck would I incriminate myself be doing an interview at a party.”

  • Anonymous 

“I’m Jerry. My shift was supposed to end an hour ago but I got called in as the first response to a house fire on Locust. I was told 2 little boys, 1 wearing a yarmulke, were seen skipping from the residence shouting “For Hilary! For Hilary!”.  I heard it was a house party, so I’m hoping they still got some birthday cake and kazoos by the time I get there - and that they haven’t melted yet.”

  • Jerry, Beat Cop 

“Hiiiiiiiiiiii I’m beckyky! I think Jerry is the hottest here. He reminds me of grampppsss!!!!”

  • Bender Becky