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Choose Your Own Adventure: Will You Resist Your Cousin’s Sexual Advances in Quarantine?


Photo by Zach Dischner / CC BY 2.0

Addie approaches and tears off a section of their shirt. Just as they lean over your leg to apply the make-shift tourniquet, the blare of a police siren stops Addie in their tracks. 

“Excuse me, what do you think you’re doing?” asks the cop, climbing out of the vehicle and walking over with a pen clipboard. “I’m sorry, but the governor’s orders were clear mandatory social distancing for all state residents until further notice.”

Addie groans. “Officer, I can explain—”

“Ah ah ah,” says the officer, already writing up a citation. “No excuses from either of you. This virus is serious business, and if commonsense won’t make you social distance, we’ll fine you until you do.” He finishes his scribbling and hands the slip of paper to Addie. “Now hurry home, you two— six feet apart.

“Ahem,” you say politely from the ground, soaked in your own blood. “I don’t think I’ll be able to make it home unless I can lean on Addie.”

“Tough luck, bucko,” replies the officer firmly. “This is a ‘pick-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps’ kind of country and you know it. If you can’t help yourself, well, then you’re just a societal burden and we have enough of those already. It’s time to throw off some dead weight if you ask me.”

Addie looks at you with pity as they get up to leave. “He’s got a point, you know.”

“Yeah,” you sigh. “Guess I’ll just have to die.” And you do.

Congratulations! You didn’t fuck your cousin and you didn’t seek help for your fatal wounds like a spineless Commie!

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