Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

Choose Your Own Adventure: Will You Resist Your Cousin’s Sexual Advances in Quarantine?


Photo by MIKI Yoshihito / CC BY 2.0


You always knew you’d need the glock that you hid underneath your mattress one day. “Freeze!” you command Addie. “I have a gun which means I have very large sexual organs which means you need to listen to me.” God, those words sound so delicious falling off your lips. You give a silent prayer of thanks to the Lord God Almighty, protector of these Great United States, for your inviolable Second Amendment Rights. 

Addie’s mouth forms a perfect, shocked little ‘O’. “Oh my,” gasps Addie, clutching their chest. “A gun!”

“Yes,” you say menacingly, a smile playing across your lips. “A gun. Stand down.” Addie steps away from the Triscuit carnage, their hands in the air. They stand up against your dresser. Wow, you think, conflicts get resolved so easily when you’re holding a gun and the other person isn’t. If this is the best way to win arguments, I wonder why Penn doesn’t allow open carry on campus? It would make poli sci recitations so much more straightforward. 

“Now that I’ve got your attention,” you say, temporarily lowering your guard and your gun, “Promise that you’ll never invade my room again without my permission.”

“... no,” says Addie, and before you can react they’ve gotten a hand on your back-up gun that you foolishly left lying on your dresser. “Put your hands in the air and don’t make a move.” Damn, you think raising your hands, how could I forget my back-up glock that I foolishly left on my dresser! How do you distract your cousin and defuse the situation?  

Cry like the pathetic little piss-baby that you are.

Try to shoot Addie before Addie can shoot you.