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Choose Your Own Adventure: Will You Resist Your Cousin’s Sexual Advances in Quarantine?


Photo by MoneyBlogNewz / CC BY 2.0

You abandon your barricade of the door and make a mad dash for the kitchen. You rifle through the drawers for a serviceable weapon, but you only find a plastic butter knife. It’s a sad, pathetic little weapon for a sad, pathetic little man (you). Your courage not yet leaving you, you gird yourself and ready your butter knife for the fight of your life. 

Addie stalks into the kitchen like a mountain lion. They’re out for your blood, and though now is not the time for you to consider how sexy your cousin looks when they have murderous intent in their eye, you do so anyway. You are too busy ogling your cousin that you forget to parry your cousin’s downward scissor thrust, and Addie successfully slides their scissors into your abdomen. (Sexy!) Addie yanks out their scissors and dramatically raises them for a final killing blow to your heart. 

“Nooooo,” you cry pathetically, “don’t kill me you’re so sexy aha.” You search their merciless eyes for pity, and give them your best smolder — if you can’t fight them, love them, right?  Addie stares at you incredulously. With a surge of gratuitous hope, you say, “You wouldn’t murder your own, incredibly sexy cousin, would you?”

They do. 

Congratulations! You tried to fuck your cousin but instead, your cousin fucked you up!

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