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Choose Your Own Adventure: Will You Resist Your Cousin’s Sexual Advances in Quarantine?


Photo by Kylie Cooper / The Daily Pennsylvanian

It is day 37 of quarantine and you live in constant fear of Addie. For the past week you have only left your room to grab a new box of Triscuits and to use the bathroom — you have done everything in your power to avoid your cousin. You know it’s irrational (sweet cousin Addie could hardly swat a fly, let alone kill a human being) but a dreadful feeling in the pit of your stomach has told you to be careful. 

You are watching a pre-recorded lecture at 2x speed, one hand mechanically shoving Triscuits into your mouth and the other scrolling through Twitter. Your professor’s droning baritone is phenomenal ASMR. A soft knock on your door interrupts you. “Heyy,” Addie sweetly calls, “I think the Wifi’s busted, do you think you could go down to the basement and check it out?”

 “Damn, really? Lemme go check it out.” 

 “I can’t, I’m too busy using the Wifi.”