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Choose Your Own Adventure: Will You Resist Your Cousin’s Sexual Advances in Quarantine?


Photo by Damian Morys / CC BY 2.0

The toughest decisions require the strongest wills, and your will is iron. 

Addie, rag doll-style, flops over the roof of the car and lands with a chilling thud on the other side of the vehicle. The driver is too busy bopping to Dua Lipa’s pop-funk masterpiece “Don’t Start Now," easily the most polished single of her hit album Future Nostalgia, to pay attention. 

Your heart pounds in your throat as you leap over to your cousin’s limp figure. “Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck,” you murmur under your breath. Cousin Addie is conscious, but just barely. Their eyes flicker open. Using their unbroken arm, they raise their hand to your face. You quickly slap away their hand. Even in the moment of a fatal accident, social distancing guidelines must be adhered to, and if Addie’s going down already, you sure as hell aren’t getting the virus from her. 

“You know,” whispers Addie belaboredly, “I’m glad that the last thing… I’ll see… is your face… and those nice, plump juicy lips… God, they’re so fat… they could be fucking clouds… goddamn Kim K. lips you got there… so sexy…”

Addie dies on the pavement in front of you. You would be traumatized except now you don’t need to share your Triscuits with them ever again. You find this trade-off satisfactory.

Congratulations! You murdered (but did not fuck) your cousin!

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