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Choose Your Own Adventure: Will You Resist Your Cousin’s Sexual Advances in Quarantine?


Photo by Mathias Appel / CC BY 2.0


You reach for the gun in your lap. This is a mistake. Your hand just grasps the handgrip when three quick pows to the chest drives the breath from your lungs and lays you low onto your bedroom floor. You groan pitifully as you see Cousin Addie’s boots approach you from the corner of your eye. 

“I’m sorry,” says Addie. “I really wish I didn’t have to shoot you like that. But hey! With those bullet holes you sort of look like you have Joe Exotic’s tattoos. So that’s pretty cool I guess. I’m just trying to help you find the silver lining here.”

“One thing before I die,” you exclaim, your vision already blurring at the edges. “Do you think Joe Exotic’s sexy?”

Addie pauses before answering. “I would say less sexy and more ‘aesthetically and morally appalling’. So I guess you guys have that in common.”

If you weren’t about to die you would be absolutely crushed and just a little bit embarrassed for hitting on your cousin on your deathbed. Luckily for you, you don’t have to sit and stew in the awkwardness of the situation. You promptly die. 

Congratulations! You didn’t fuck your cousin!

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