Hell Yeah! MERT Has Motorcycles Now
Photo (with edits) by Pixabay / CC 2.0
September 30, 2022 at 6:00 am
School is back in full swing, folks, and the return of fresh-faced students to our distinguished campus means the return of our heroic blackout response team, MERT. These sporty saviors in red have long been a staple at NSO, making themselves known at a variety of locations, such as the Upper Quad Gate, the Lower Quad Gate, and inside the Quad.
This year, however, something has changed. Rather than arriving meekly on their single-gear bicycles of the past, MERT now rolls up on big, fat Harley Davidsons. You heard that right. Huge hogs are barreling down Spruce Street, drunk kids are being whisked away in sleek metal sidecars, and every member of MERT is now wearing a customized leather jacket and a sweet pair of fingerless gloves. The move comes after a barrage of freshmen complaints that “getting MERTed isn’t cool enough.” To say that now would be ridiculous, as watching your drunk friend disappear in a cloud of black exhaust is undeniably awesome. Who cares that they're going to get their stomach pumped, they're basically in a biker gang!
Unfortunately, in order to pay for the new motorcycle fleet, Penn has cut all funding for sprint football. Dozens of fans campus-wide are devastated. Can’t have it all.