New Survey Finds Penn Students Chill AF, Move Different, Smoke That Chronic
August 31, 2023 at 3:50 pm
Years after the folks over at Pew Research Center undertook their greatest task of the century, the team has released their findings. After nearly two decades of painstaking "vibe assessment," lead researcher Dr. John Crawford has declared Penn "the chillest spot in the naish" ("naish" short for nation, that is). The study cites many factors, focusing primarily on students' "lowkey energy" and the campus's "sneaky sesh spots." Penn students were reportedly elated by the news, but not too excited to the point where it was weird or lame.
Dr. Crawford continued: "Over 95% of the student body was found to be 'totally down' to drink a beer with 'the squad' all seven days a week, a mark unmatched by our other subjects." The report included findings on hundreds of other schools, but was especially scathing towards the other Ivies. "They just don't seem to get it," read the report, "Total tweakers."
The gleaming first place ranking has been seen as the crowning achievement thus far in Liz Magill's fledgling presidency. While declining to speak publicly, the newly appointed leader offered a brief but powerful statement via IG story: "We are so back."
Penn Admissions has been dealing with an inundating barrage of new applicants and phone calls since the news broke. Tour guides have been encouraged to pass around "thick Js" as they lead groups down Locust and emphasize how "non-federal" Penn Police is. Beer funnels with Quaker insignia have been strategically positioned around campus so prospective students might catch a glimpse of a Natty Light's "total deletion" in between classes.
No one knows exactly why Penn won, but it's pretty evident when you look around. No one at the school ever discusses recruiting, finance, their 6 c.u.s, PURM applications, networking calls, coding assignments, casing challenges, or midterms. Perhaps that's why, as Crawford concluded, "vibes are crazy high".