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Marc Rowan Lifts Baby Bird From Ground in His Hand, Crushes It


Pic Credit: Getty Images

Famously lauded Freedom, Liberation and Jewry Champion Marc Rowan is on a new mission after eliminating Liz Magill the Wicked Hegemon of Bigotry and Evilness. Now, at a unique moment of learning for UPenn, Rowan has stepped in to guide the university to a new beautiful truth. Away with any vestiges of the ancient regime like DEI, wussiness, or the Gender Studies department! Now for fresh, bold ventures such as the creation of the Apollo Global Management Department where students can develop important business skills in destroying mean old ladies who love Palestine.

Throughout his day, as Rowan went about instituting his glorious new agenda, students reported seeing interesting quirks in his daily routine. As the University of Pennsylvania’s foremost on-the-ground student reporting and news group, and for the purposes of truth-telling and integrity, Under the Button has compiled an account of his day:

Marc Rowan, leaving his house this morning was seen putting on a large dark helmet that emanated an evil aura and saying, “Yes this will do very nicely.” Then, after sinking three bullseyes on his dartboards fitted with the printed-out faces of Liz Magill and Claudine Gay, spectators saw Rowan get into his Rowan-mobile and speed over five Penn student protestors in the street to the weekly Penn Board of Trustees meeting. At the meeting, trustees were seen to spring out of their seats to kiss Rowan’s feet and were rewarded with one dollar bills from Rowan in return. 

After the board meeting, Rowan spent his afternoon strolling outside on the College Green. Students passing by reported that the grass he passed by “wilted under the strain of his sinister aura.” Then, seeing an injured baby bird on the ground, Rowan kneeled down to pick it up, and raising it above his head, crushed it, and licked the blood off his hands like a cat. Sources close to Rowan himself say he had a terrific day, and he went to bed feeling “content and joyful.”