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We're barely three weeks into the semester, and you're already behind on your readings. Unfortunately, the U.S. News and World Report College Rankings has been spying on us through the hidden cameras that they place inside of every textbook sold via Amazon Prime, so...they know.
Can you smell that? No, it's not the smell of a burnt panini from Mark's Cafe – it's debauchery brewing in the air. But this isn't the kind of debauchery that takes place in the Van Pelt bathrooms. This is a crime that attacks our fragile, finals-addled minds at their most vulnerable. Imagine: It's your tenth straight hour studying BBB, and you jump at the chance for a $1 massage, too exhausted to realize that the sign is written in pencil. But if only you studied the functions of the brain more carefully, you'd realize how easy it is to mess with your head when you've been hitting the books all day, not even taking a break for that burnt Mark's panini.
As exams get closer and campus floods with stress, the amount of time we spend procrastinating skyrockets. So why not waste time on the internet by reading about wasting time on the internet?
After a debaucherous weekend of ups and downs, it's important to remind ourselves that becoming Kesha's animals isn't the best way to maximize our potential. Carrie Pilby, a feature film based off of a novel by Penn alum Caren Lissner (C'93), is being filmed in Hollywood this summer. So who better to cast in the film than SNL cast member/proud Bloomer alum Vanessa Bayer (C'04)? We love Quaker collaborations, especially when they don't take place on Wall Street.
In more Piazza news, professors are now consulting their students so that they can stay up to date on all the hip new lingo. Oh, professors – they’re just like us! They may seem intimidating when they grade you on a bell curve, but they're really just looking for the appropriate vernacular to use at their Passover seders. At a holiday dinner with plenty of Manischewitz wine, this economics professor may have fallen victim to some drunk Piazza activity. But even if that's true, it wouldn't be the worst we’ve seen this week. So don’t worry, professor – we know you don’t teach linguistics, so we’ve made a list of some phrases that all the young people are into:
In a recent series of College House paraphernalia upgrades, the Upper Quad Gate is now sporting elegantly lavish decor: a hanging fish. It's not April Fools yet, so we're quite sure that this is a genuine attempt to honor the Quad's gothic regalia through maritime cuisine. Plenty of food trucks stake their territory along Spruce Street, but how many of these eateries provide real live fish? Chic new restaurants have been popping up around University City lately, so it only makes sense to continue the trend – why order a "sushirito" when you can stop by the Upper Quad Gate and make yourself a California roll from scratch? While potential members of Penn's class of 2019 receive their admissions decisions this evening, we hope they'll choose the Red and the Blue – how can you get tired of dining hall food when there are so many options around campus?
With rainy days this week, Locust Walk was a bit more bare than usual – but that's okay. We got a box of free matzo and discounted online shopping, so our wallets are pretty happy with this edition of Flyperlatives.
Have you ever eaten your chopped kale while sipping your kale smoothie with your fellow kale enthusiasts and had a sudden craving for salmon? Now you're in luck. Sweetgreen's new menu, already available in stores, features sustainably sourced salmon from a fishery in none other than Patagonia, South America! We're excited, but honestly we'd be more excited if the salmon came from a fishery located in a Canadian region with geese. But still, this must be what it feels like to have your life come full circle and it truly is a gift.
When those kids run around wearing green all weekend and slap me until nothing is left in my bag, sometimes I just want to lie down on the corner of 40th and Walnut in defeat. F*ck it. You know, it's hard to be a bag of Franzia – all those awful rumors circulating about me. You think getting Kesha tickets is hard? Try spending two hours inside a cardboard box at a pre-Fling Beijing BYO. That's hard. What does a poison-filled ordinary boxed wine have to do to be treated with respect around here? I'm not a bad influence. I blush like a sunset, and I work hard to maintain my sultry red glow. But the worst part is this – I'm only a few blocks away from my home at 43rd and Chestnut. Will I ever see my brothers and sisters again? Please, send help. Or Kesha tickets.
Ever made an embarrassing typo or sent an uncomfortable email to your professor? Fear not – they'll be sure to understand, because professors are just like us!
We've reached our fourth volume of Flyperlatives – the big I-V! But really the only V's you should be concerned about this weekend are the ones being talked about at the Vagina Monologues. Although it's sure to be an exciting and socially important show, it's sort of disappointing that the vagina costumes are going to be retired for the remainder of winter.
Remember in high school when everyone pooled together hundreds of dollars for a ten minute limo ride to prom? Well, one Penn student just couldn't bear the embarrassment of getting dropped off at prom a frat party in daddy's 2002 Honda Civic last night and opted for a sleek, black Uber car instead.
Do you want to build a snowman? Sure, we're down. Do you want to build a snowman with an extra appendage outside of ARCH? Even better! If you're rushing around campus this weekend and need a quick snack, you're in luck, because bananas are incredibly rich in potassium. But as you trudge through the cold after enjoying a quick energy boost, you'll be reminded that once again, these snow sculptures are bombarding us with unrealistic expectations for men.
When Huntsman Hall towers over campus, sometimes we forget about the incredible intellectualism that takes place in creative writing classes. In one workshop this week, a budding poet got particularly excited about a poetry collection, writing that the poet's "inner-truth shifts shits increasingly" – and all the professor had to say was "oops" (or should we say, "poops?").
Finally, an official government website has confirmed one of the most obvious truths of life at Penn: dining halls are gross. Ignorance may be bliss, but we say f*ck it. We decided to travel deep into the archives of the Philadelphia Food Safety Inspection Reports, as one does. We've shown you caterpillars, and we've shown you flies, but what we have here is some NC-17 material. It's Fifty Shades of health concerns, and it's not very sexy.
Second semester is rough – it's cold, and you have to listen to that one friend who won't shut up about OCR. Sometimes you just need to let loose in the quad bathroom, only to find out after you're ready to face the world that there's no toilet paper. So, then what? It's squat-walk time. Squat-walking poses serious risks – imagine shimmying from one stall to the next in desperate need of relief, only to have your most intimidating hallmate open the door and catch you in the act.
If 8 a.m. Econ recitation is so deathly, then who on earth is taking Bikram Yoga's 6 a.m. class?
LPS Classes Cancelled Tonight – Due to the impending doom of tonight's snow storm, all LPS classes have been cancelled today. There has been no official announcement about whether Tuesday classes are still on or not, but we're crossing our fingers for a snow day – we don't want to get stuck.
Apparently ignorance isn't bliss, "bitches." It's all fun and games when Quad freshmen leave their laundry to rot, but when they don't practice proper shower curtain etiquette, shit gets real. Clearly, this angry Ware resident doesn't like writing seminar as much as they "like to take a shower," because these comma splices just aren't very Ivy.
Here's a joke: Annenberg, Perelman, and Huntsman walk into a bar. We don't know what happens next, but we assume that a few shots in, a bar fight will break out. And as of yesterday, we have confirmation that Perelman will reign victorious.