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As a historical institution, the University of Pennsylvania is built on traditions and stability. Shockingly, the Penn undergraduate population reduced their use of the Student Health Services STD clinic by 15% this past school year; this is the first yearly decrease in the institution’s entire 282 year history. Campus health experts such as Doctor Lisa Gartrude suspect that welcoming of an “abundance of absolute virgins” into the class of 2025 led to this staggering decrease in sexual health clinic use. Dozens of STD clinic nurses and doctors are left with no choice but to twiddle their thumbs and pray for a resurgence of raunchy hook up culture.
A student’s sociology final project is making waves in the Penn community. Mike Pelanti, a senior studying sociology and concentrating in LGBTQ Studies, recently conducted a survey where he asked Penn undergraduates across all four schools one simple question: would you rather have a gay son, or daughter studying History and Sociology of Science?
We’re about halfway into November, and I’m sure some of you sinful little maggots are thinking about breaking your pact with our Lord (Jesus Christ). For those freaks, the temptation of nut this November is rapidly boiling. You better hope it doesn’t boil over at my dinner table. If you attempt to enter the premises with a p*can pie, I will involuntarily make you regret it. Expect a personal head-to-toe coating of projectile vomit.
Across 12 Schools, more than 25,000 students, and more than 4,000 faculty members, Penn pledges to become one university: a wide-ranging, ever-changing community that draws its strength from a multitude sexual orientations.
Penn’s recent announcement to suspend all on-campus housing was met with a great deal of shock. Many students relied on University campus infrastructure and community for their fall academic plans. Students cited various resources missing from their home environment that would hinder their studies: a reliable WiFi connection, a quiet workspace, and a plug. During this time of uncertainty, one thing is certain; for some students, an at-home college experience is impossible.
The recent updates related to the fall semester threw a wrench in Penn students hopes to spend their fall semester enjoying Penn’s luxurious dorms and dining offerings. While on-campus housing is now largely closed, students who planned to return on campus now worry about the whereabouts and condition of their stored belongings.
A recent email sent out to the student body detailed the University's efforts to help members of the Penn community cope with the global pandemic. Despite concerns that the University was underprepared in its response, the email implies Penn's response to the COVID-19 crisis began as early as freshman orientation.
Sydney sits crossed-legged on the bench outside Castle, spending her last night with her friends before her drive back to the Suburbs of Philly for Coronacation. Her drugstore highlighter glistens in the moonlight as she quietly reflects on the invaluable experiences she's had this semester: frat hopping. Sydney takes a drag of her cigarette, inhaling a little bit too loudly and drawing the attention of her friends. She thinks to herself, “my life is like a movie.”
Meet Jessica, an HSOC sophomore whose strongest personality trait is being lactose intolerant. Despite never having confirmed her condition with a doctor, mentions of her lactose intolerance have manifested in areas such as her go-to fun fact, two truths and a lie, and her LinkedIn skills.
Although having the biggest and juiciest ass on campus has its advantages, I am often put in positions where I am forced to adapt to Penn’s flat-ass culture. For example, no amount of twisting or clenching can get me past the Fisher Fine Arts library turnstiles with ease — but I persevere. What lies beyond those discriminatory turnstiles is heaven: sturdy chairs equipped with cushions two times thicker than quad mattresses.
It's only been ten seconds since your closest pal Cynthia went to the bathroom and abandoned you with her other friend, yet it feels like three millennia at least. You think his name is Jeff, but who could be sure? It’d be so awkward to ask now. Quick, it’s been silent for too long. Say something!
Look people, math is a lot. The tests are hard, the TAs aren’t hot, and the department is homophobic. Math should have no place on this campus, except that sadly, it does. And that place is named David Rittenhouse Laboratory: the crustiest building just west of the Schuylkill.
FirstServices is rolling out a new service this semester. This student-run company usually focuses on “Making Penn Life Easy” by washing the nicotine out of Canada Geese and provoding the rich and incompetent with a laundry and dry cleaning service.