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What's on the Lauder Dining Hall Menu? Pap Smears of Wagyu

(04/25/22 4:57pm)

As a historical institution, the University of Pennsylvania is built on traditions and stability. Shockingly, the Penn undergraduate population reduced their use of the Student Health Services STD clinic by 15% this past school year; this is the first yearly decrease in the institution’s entire 282 year history. Campus health experts such as Doctor Lisa Gartrude suspect that welcoming of an “abundance of absolute virgins” into the class of 2025 led to this staggering decrease in sexual health clinic use. Dozens of STD clinic nurses and doctors are left with no choice but to twiddle their thumbs and pray for a resurgence of raunchy hook up culture.



No Nut November: If You Bring P*can Pie to Thanksgiving, I'll Vomit Directly On You

(11/17/20 9:07pm)

We’re about halfway into November, and I’m sure some of you sinful little maggots are thinking about breaking your pact with our Lord (Jesus Christ). For those freaks, the temptation of nut this November is rapidly boiling. You better hope it doesn’t boil over at my dinner table. If you attempt to enter the premises with a p*can pie, I will involuntarily make you regret it. Expect a personal head-to-toe coating of projectile vomit.



Penn Offers New Option for Students Who Cannot Live at Home: Euthanasia

(09/12/20 3:55pm)

Penn’s recent announcement to suspend all on-campus housing was met with a great deal of shock. Many students relied on University campus infrastructure and community for their fall academic plans. Students cited various resources missing from their home environment that would hinder their studies: a reliable WiFi connection, a quiet workspace, and a plug. During this time of uncertainty, one thing is certain; for some students, an at-home college experience is impossible.



Plot-Twist! Those Frat Fliers Slipped Under Your Door Were Actually Provisions for Toilet-Paper Shortage

(04/21/20 5:37pm)

A recent email sent out to the student body detailed the University's efforts to help members of the Penn community cope with the global pandemic. Despite concerns that the University was underprepared in its response, the email implies Penn's response to the COVID-19 crisis began as early as freshman orientation.


Shocking! Social Smoker Still Smoking

(04/18/20 6:51pm)

Sydney sits crossed-legged on the bench outside Castle, spending her last night with her friends before her drive back to the Suburbs of Philly for Coronacation. Her drugstore highlighter glistens in the moonlight as she quietly reflects on the invaluable experiences she's had this semester: frat hopping. Sydney takes a drag of her cigarette, inhaling a little bit too loudly and drawing the attention of her friends. She thinks to herself, “my life is like a movie.” 



OP-ED: Just Because I Got Cake Doesn't Mean I Shouldn't Be Allowed in Fisher

(03/06/20 5:42am)

Although having the biggest and juiciest ass on campus has its advantages, I am often put in positions where I am forced to adapt to Penn’s flat-ass culture. For example, no amount of twisting or clenching can get me past the Fisher Fine Arts library turnstiles with ease — but I persevere. What lies beyond those discriminatory turnstiles is heaven: sturdy chairs equipped with cushions two times thicker than quad mattresses.








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