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Thanksgiving evokes great nostalgia in the social and cultural consciousness of the American public. As such, the holiday has come to represent an occasion for cherishing family and friends, gorging on basted turkey and pumpkin pie, playing football in the yard and board games by the fire, and conversing heartily with loved ones about "Is God dead?" and "Grandpa, why did you kill Him in Iraq?"
Mix all together, cook at high heat for 15 minutes and then leave on the stove for an entire week to create a witch’s brew that’s guaranteed to make any roommate hate you.
Hey, hello, dear reader, dear readers, deer readers? Fuck, I forgot how you start articles. Let me start over.
More than 300 faculty members have signed a petition urging Penn to allow instructors to teach virtually. This petition expressed concerns over faculty members’ inability to freely masturbate during in-person classes.
Welcome all ye peasants to the University of Pennsylvania, whether thou art a young freshman or wretched wench.
The beginning of the fall semester holds a different meaning to each student. To some, it signifies an adjustment back to school and the revival of their nudes addiction. But, to me, it simply means getting to talk to my best friend, Penn-in-Touch Two-Step Verification, again.
"It's so slow!"
On June 1, the UPenn Association of Bottoms gathered outside White Dog Cafe in University City to protest the restaurant’s “bottomless brunch” option.
Hear ye, hear ye! The time has come for the United States of Under the Button to declare independence from Great Daily Pennsylvanian. Too long have we been taxed without representation. Too long has Great Daily Pennsylvanian forced us to remove our teeth and replace them with rotting wooden teeth. Too long have we been forced to wear horse costumes while DP editors in colonial garb flog us for galloping too slowly.
The top 3 signs that you is Daddy
A MESSAGE TO UNDERGRADUATE STUDENTS
On April 20, Pennsylvania became the 16th state to legalize recreational marijuana after a years-long campaign to decriminalize the drug.
As Penn students, we deserve more from our university.
Penn administrators and city leaders joined together Thursday morning, April 1, 2021, for a ribbon-cutting ceremony to officially kick off the construction of the campus' first sex dungeon. Due to COVID-19, there were limited in-person attendees for the kick-off event. President Amy Gutmann cut the rope alongside Ronald Perelman.
Friendship. Laughter. College. Salad. Memories. Booths. Almost ripe fruit. Long lines for pasta.
The introduction of new strains of COVID-19 on campus has many students, understandably, concerned. While many point fingers at violators of the Campus Compact, a study conducted by the CDC has confirmed our worst fears, that the strain is transmitted through one of America’s most beloved British shows: The Great British Bake Off.
Slurp, slurp, you disgusting soon-to-be sophomores. Don’t throw out your straws and shovels just yet — Amy Gutmann announced that it’s another year of the trough for you pathetic, pasty piggies.
We all know that doors are all a little bonkers, but these seven doors are TOTALLY unhinged!
In life, there are many difficult decisions we all must make, such as which grandparent to take off life support, which child to save at Auschwitz, and whether to use penne or spaghetti with pesto sauce.