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Your hours are long, your work-life balance is off, and you’re eating like shit. But probably the hardest part of interning in New York this summer is the fact that you haven’t seen Kweder in WEEKS.
If Kesha says we can party, then it must be true. The star of our Fling concert tweeted a confetti filled pic of her concert from last Friday. And now, we take a brief moment to thank Kesha for gracing our stage: Thank you Kesha for an incredible performance. Thank you for the inflatable rainbows and samurai swords. Thank you for getting Penn’s name correct on Twitter. We are forever indebted to you, and we might even show you some “University of Penn penises” as a thank you.
Thought you were enjoying Holi in the privacy of your own campus? Think again. Spotted during Holi was this high-tech governmental drone spying on innocent students. We’ve been tipped that this drone belongs to Mrs. Clinton, as her campaign increases its efforts to gain supporters and scope out the competition. Many on campus are incredibly shocked at this blatant disregard for personal privacy, liberty, and freedom. Will Hillary ever be able to recover from Dronegate?!?! Most likely.
In probably the most horrifying scenario you could ever imagine, a very unlucky Drexel professor sent a porn link titled “SHE LOVES HER ANAL BEADS” in an email to her students. We imagine this professor’s absolute nightmare was an accident, as the email’s subject line read “great article on writing briefs." Drexel announced that the professor would be put on leave during an investigation into the incident. Be kind to her, Drexel. The shame and embarrassment are probably punishment enough. And hey, at least she’s open about what she likes! Don’t get your anal beads in a bunch.
Looks like we’ve been duped again. Two days ago, self-proclaimed real estate mogul Michael Angelina reported that Jay Z and Yoncé would be purchasing a $20 million condo at 5th and Walnut. However, with tears in her eyes, the VP of Sales and Marketing for the unit stated that “Jay Z and Beyoncé have not purchased the penthouse at 500 Walnut at this time.”
Another volume of RDAP is here, and if you're missin' some SCOTUS fixin', read along.
We’re not exactly sure what this means, but who cares! It’s almost spring break and even complicated philosophy can be fun when you include BDSM sex. While it’s safe to assume this TA just wanted to better engage students, it’d be more fun to think of some other options. Perhaps the TA was looking for some in class role-play for a more kinesthetic learning experience. Or maybe the TA was genuinely interested in the multifaceted and complex philosophical nature of Dom-Sub relationships. Regardless, any student should be excited when a TA tries to mix things up. Let us not forget the words of a wise and noble poet, “sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me.”
There are a lot of things that can ruin your morning, like trudging to 8:30 a.m. recitation or bumping into last weekend’s DFMO on Locust. But nothing is probably worse THAN FINDING A LITERAL NAIL IN YOUR BREAKFAST MUFFIN. Yes, that’s correct. An unfortunate Penn employee found a whole nail in a Houston muffin. This was likely an accident, but we can’t help but think: was this foul play? Maybe Houston is in fact testing out a new nail-flavored muffin? Maybe this was just a wedding proposal gone wrong! Whatever the case was, this definitely wasn’t the getting nailed we had in mind.
Communists, rejoice! Randall Collins, a Sociology professor at Penn, predicts that the demise of capitalism will occur by 2045.
We know you’ve all been waiting for the second edition of Locust Flyperlatives, and luckily, we're here to make all your dreams come true. We must say there was stiff competition this week to grant various superlatives, as the sheer volume of flyers on Locust was just too high. Alas, we apologize if yours didn’t make the cut.
Stanford grad Amanda Bradford has come up with a new dating service called The League, a more selective (read: elitist) version of the Tindz that requires people to apply and be approved by an algorithm before they can get it on. This algorithm only judges the really important things, like whether you graduated from a top school, if your interests include sushi and snowboarding, and whether you enjoy overpriced home goods.
This very well could be the olive branch in the ongoing Philly Mag vs. Penn saga. Philly Mag, who frequently calls us out on our betchiness, just named Penn professor Dr. Janet Monge “Best Museum Curator”.
Calling all Game of Thrones home skillet biscuits out there. TODAY, June 15th, Tap House is hosting a special “Brunch of Thrones” event in anticipation for the season finale. Stuff yourself with themed brunch items such as “Flea Bottom Bowl of Brown”, “Sansa’s Lemon Cakes”, and “Stark’s Poultry Pie”. Also, teams of shameless avid GoT watchers can participate in a trivia game about the show. 10+ points to anyone who dyes their hair platinum blonde and comes with a tiny dragon on their shoulder.
Graduation is a time that reminds us all to think about what we want to accomplish in our lives. Too bad we’ll never out do Elisha Kane, who accomplished a shit ton of stuff despite having a name that probably got him beat up in the playground as a child. During his time here, he contracted rheumatic fever, which inspired him to graduate Penn's med school in 1842---and also made him an immunological badass for surviving the sickness. Post-graduation, he joined the Navy (read: have a totally amazing study abroad). If Kane were alive today, he’d start his study abroad stories with “Remember that time I negotiated a peace treaty with China” or “OMG do you remember when we were scaling that volcano in the Philippines but I so had to pee and…” But after becoming ill again (and surviving again), he was sent by the US government for a dangerous Mexican-American War mission. As if he wasn't already badass enough, he was able to survive a lance wound, and complete the task. Such a modern day Tom Cruise. During an 1855 Arctic expedition on the USS Advance, EK wrote what would become his famous novel, Arctic Explorations. The book was used as both an informational guide and as a really good title for a porno that takes place in an igloo. He fit all his heroics into a mere 37 years, and his funeral was the largest ever in America---until Lincoln’s a couple of years later. We thank Kane for his bravery, insight into the Arctic, and the ability to make anyone feel bad for not accomplishing anything in their lives. Hats off to you, you overachieving Penn alum.
We know you’ve felt a little left out lately devoid of Penn gear. I mean, not all of us at Penn can wear a certain sorority-themed copy of a famous sweater. But have no fear, as the fashion juggernaut that is Abercrombie & Fitch has released a limited edition University of Pennsylvania graphic tee. If only Forever 21 didn’t already sell a "vintage-inspired" Penn shirt to be thrown out immediately after graduation. Unfortunately, we’re not too psyched about purchasing from A&F, because, you know, we’re rational, conscious adults. Perhaps if this was seventh grade and we were trying to impress that cool girl we so confusedly had a crush on, then maybe. But, hey, at least they didn’t mix us up with Penn State.
In the endless fashion of Penn kids starting things, two Wharton students have decided to compile a book “focused on undergraduate business school admissions” featuring essays of students who were accepted to Wharton.
The rumors are true: College Hall did serve as an inspiration for the Addams Family house. So it's no surprise that Charles Addams, the famous dark cartoonist and creator of the Addams Family, went to Penn.
Evidently someone thought that replacing “elections” with “erections” might irk the NEC. Sorry, but penis jokes haven’t been funny since tenth grade. And give the NEC a break: first they have to pretend to care about Penn’s political scandal and now they’re being harassed? We think they’ve been through enough. But was this an inside job? The work of a disgraced politician? We better get Olivia Pope to crack the case. Maybe she’ll do this one pro boner. <-- Yep.
Who needs to be first place in academics or athletics when you can be first place in popularity? A recent article in the New York Times reported that the number of applications to Penn this year rose by 14.4%, the highest of all Ivies. Apps to Dartmouth decreased the most, by 14.2%. While Dean Furda attributes this newfound popularity to greater outreach efforts, we can’t help but think it’s because of the Qdoba on campus. At least this increase in apps explains the unwelcome hordes of naive tour groups invading campus every day.
If there’s one word that comes to mind when you think of Penn, it’s sports. And charity. And donuts. Well, maybe not. But if you’re looking for a sweet combination of these three, then be sure to head out to Chi Olympics, this Saturday from 2-4 PM . For this week’s Flyerer of the Week, we learned about what it takes to be the best.