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Meresa García


AE A-XII Says First Word: $$%&*!!!

But how do you pronounce it? 

Liberals Use Santa As COVID Propaganda

Santa can't get sick? Well guess what, neither can I! 

Profs. Encourage Group Work, but Not Collaboration

Have all this group assignments been for nothing? 

Best DIY GF Gift: Letting Her Finish First!

Who said chivalry is dead? 

Republican Wonders Why Dick Leans Left

After all the anti-immigrant rallies and cross burnings, how could it lean so left? 

Vegan Seeks Repentance After Swallowing

Now all those poor little white heads with their spindly tails lay murdered at the bottom of her stomach!

Grandma Uses COVID to Avoid Thanksgiving With Shitty Grandkids

This Thanksgiving, the 82-year-old grandmother is free of the running, screaming, and laughter of her shitty grandchildren.

Squirrels Excited for No Nut November

Nationwide, Squirrels rejoice over the voluntary suffering of us wretched humans. While many of us may despise No Nut November, it is the biggest nutting season for these tiny rodents. 

Top 10 Animated Characters That Sexually Awakened You

Even after all these years, you're still so turned on right now, aren't you, you nasty lil' horn dog? 

Penn’s Right: Online Classes Did Make Me Cheat On My Bf

An hour into my Physics midterm, I found myself in some guy's bed, knowing that I had a week to turn it in.

ACB Not Racist, She Has Haitian Children!

Amy Coney Barrett might hate the gays, but she sure does love minorities! 

19 Year Old Mole Actually Speck of Dust

People tell me that things could be worse ("you could have COVID!") and that I should pay attention to more pressing matters ("worry about the election!"). But the thing is, COVID is just a conspiracy and the election isn't even that important. The bond that I had with my mole was real. And I have lost it forever.  

Strippers Confused About Alarm in Shortage of Poll Workers

"I just don't know how all these organizations are going along with this lie! And no one has contacted any of the clubs to ask if the shortage is real. Which it isn't! But I guess now, people are finally recognizing how important we are in keeping our democracy alive."

Midterm “Week” Actually Nine Calendar Months

The light at the of the tunnel won't get here until May. You've still got about 200 days – give or take – of all-nighters, stress eating, and ugly crying. 

Voter Worried He Won’t Receive Mail-in Bride on Time

"I just want to feel her silicone presence beside me. I planned to consummate her arrival on election night, but now I'm not sure if we'll get our special evening!" 

Your Guide to the 2020 Erection: Vote Bigger and Better

I'm banking on the fact that Sir Lord Joestick's erections are numbered and that maybe, in the near future, we can all swim in the honeypot for a change. But till then, I'll just have to go with the prick that will at least give me a chance at finishing. 

Are You More of a Lanternfly or a Penn Vet Dog?

 3. Are you so super fertile that you lay egg masses containing 50 of your disgusting, humanity-destroying offspring?

Help: Blue Light Affecting My Ability to Nut

I quickly ordered my anti blue light glasses, but unfortunately due to the current mailing crisis, they won't get here for another month! I'm counting down the days until I can finally nut, Zoom free. 

Fly’s Search for Literal Shit Head Ends

"I only heard stories about it. It's passed down from generation to generation. The great myth of the literal shit head. I wouldn't have believed it myself if it weren't broadcast on live television!" 

PSA: Please Wear Your Mask Under Your Nose, Thanks

Come one guys, it's not that hard to figure out! All you have to do is pull the elastic straps over your ears and cover your mouth. That's it! What's all this covering your nose bullshit?