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Meresa García


Midterm “Week” Actually Nine Calendar Months

The light at the of the tunnel won't get here until May. You've still got about 200 days – give or take – of all-nighters, stress eating, and ugly crying. 

Voter Worried He Won’t Receive Mail-in Bride on Time

"I just want to feel her silicone presence beside me. I planned to consummate her arrival on election night, but now I'm not sure if we'll get our special evening!" 

Your Guide to the 2020 Erection: Vote Bigger and Better

I'm banking on the fact that Sir Lord Joestick's erections are numbered and that maybe, in the near future, we can all swim in the honeypot for a change. But till then, I'll just have to go with the prick that will at least give me a chance at finishing. 

Are You More of a Lanternfly or a Penn Vet Dog?

 3. Are you so super fertile that you lay egg masses containing 50 of your disgusting, humanity-destroying offspring?

Help: Blue Light Affecting My Ability to Nut

I quickly ordered my anti blue light glasses, but unfortunately due to the current mailing crisis, they won't get here for another month! I'm counting down the days until I can finally nut, Zoom free. 

Fly’s Search for Literal Shit Head Ends

"I only heard stories about it. It's passed down from generation to generation. The great myth of the literal shit head. I wouldn't have believed it myself if it weren't broadcast on live television!" 

PSA: Please Wear Your Mask Under Your Nose, Thanks

Come one guys, it's not that hard to figure out! All you have to do is pull the elastic straps over your ears and cover your mouth. That's it! What's all this covering your nose bullshit? 

The Patriot in Me: Selling Nudes to Fund My Biden Contribution

I needed a handle that would be catchy, a little political, but not too edgy. In honor of our recently deceased Supreme Court justice, I decided to go with @theNotoriousV.A.G. 

Student Takes Multiple Showers to Avoid Family

"I kinda felt bad about it at first because I am an Environmental Studies Major. And I feel like I'm killing the dolphins. But you know what? Fuck the dolphins. They can swim away from their family and I can't!" 

How My Breakout Room Became a Circle Jerk

Perhaps it was because I skipped my daily ritual in the shower this morning. Or maybe it was the big bowl of green M&M's that I was snacking on. Because there was only one thing on my mind: do I really want to jerk off with a bunch of strangers? Yes, yes, I do. 

OP-ED: Daily COVID Testing Is the Only Love I Need

I realized that the only time that I had more than a one-word conversation with someone was at the COVID testing site. Ditching the twice testing recommendation, I take daily trips to Houston Hall for the attention my mother never gave me.