The top 3 signs that you is Daddy

On April 20, Pennsylvania became the 16th state to legalize recreational marijuana after a years-long campaign to decriminalize the drug. 

With the final Engagement Day having come and gone, and the spring weather being so fucking noice, we are delighted to update you that the University Life and New Student Orientation and Academic Initiatives (NSOAI) has declared Tuesday, April 20th, 2021: Disengagement Day.

During meals, students sitting alone scream out in agony: “I’m getting my braces off next week, I promise!” One student even broke down crying, muttering to himself: “But, my mother tells me I’m beautiful.” 

We cannot even imagine the depth and breadth of Penn's sphere of influence. There's the saying "money makes the world go 'round," but I think the more apt expression is: "money makes the world burn, especially if it's Penn's money." 

Penn administrators and city leaders joined together Thursday morning, April 1, 2021, for a ribbon-cutting ceremony to officially kick off the construction of the campus' first sex dungeon. 

The CDC has confirmed our worst fears: the strain is transmitted through one of Americau2019s most beloved British shows, The Great British Bake Off.u00a0

We all know that doors are all a little bonkers, but these seven doors are TOTALLY unhinged!  

Slurp, slurp, you disgusting soon-to-be sophomores. Don’t throw out your straws and shovels just yet — Amy Gutmann announced that it’s another year of the trough for you pathetic, pasty piggies. 

You, dear reader, are presented today with a similar, devastating predicament: Do you invite me to your party OR know that I will shut down your shindig out of spite and hot jealous rage? 

"Under the guise of the 'Quiet Period,' a two-week moratorium on campus life and activities, the administration has been silencing student’s menstruation." | Mikayla Golub

I'm really having a difficult time deciding. 

In an interview Trump said, “I got coal every year in my stocking. Believe me, coal is a staple of this great American holiday.”

Under the Button will be organizing a real, totally legitimate protest tomorrow at 3:47am in front of College Hall to demand the administration change “Reading Days” to “Days.” 

Now every time you rep the Red and Blue, you’re actually repping some collegiate chode! 

Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi were upset that this package was detracting publicity away from their months of hard work on the stimulus package, but then they both did a line of cocaine and felt a lot better!

Mom, all I’ve ever wanted to do is make you proud. I hope that you’re supportive, come to accept him into our family and don’t mind if he occasionally showers in our house. 

As your Aunt Cathy is nursing her sixth glass of Chardonnay, yelling that Nancy Pelosi was paid by the Democrats and Big Poor to slip Trump COVID-19 just weeks before the election, it is best to identify your allies, finding the other young, liberal democrats with whom you can discuss your rejection of conventional religions openly and freely. 

You want those stinky little capitalist consumers vying for you in the supermarket, fighting to bring you home, ram their fists up your ass and then dunk your tender meat in cranberry sauce. Mhmm mhmm mhmmmmm. Doesn’t the American Dream taste delicious? 

I want to thank (celebrity), (closeted-gay Republican), (sell-out democrat), (porn star), (Trump family member), and myself.