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Mikayla Golub


Articles

OP-ED: Thanksgiving Is for Family, Which Is Why It’s the One Day They’re Allowed Out of the Basement

During the year, I feed Mom, Dad, Susie, Aunt Margaret, cousins Bobby, Johnny and Lily, and Grandpa Marty through IV bags, but on Thanksgiving, I allow them to eat with their mouths!


Witchcraft! Roommate Brews Potion by Letting Pot Sit On Stove for a Week

1 onion (medium finely diced) 2 cloves garlic (large chopped) ¾ cup dry white wine 6 ferrets she lost in the apartment 3 pubes left on the toilet seat 1 lost safety deposit after she tripped down the stairs and banged her head into the wall and then denied it even though I took a video and sent her the video and sent the landlord the video ½ pound ground beef


Help! I Took Adderall and Now I Am On Adderall

But now I am on the adderall, and the unfortunate thing is that I am, in fact, experiencing the sensation of being on adderall. 


300 Professors Petition for Option to Teach Remotely After Receiving Pushback for Jerking Off In-Person

Though primarily a lengthy plea to Penn to let professors masturbate at home, the petition also cited mild concerns over the rising COVID-19 infection rates.



1920 Commons to be Renamed 1620 Lords

While conducting refinancing amidst the plague, the royal court administrators hath decided to sell the majority of the institution to Charles I, king of England and, now, his lordship of the University of Pennsylvania. 


Coming Clean! Two-Step Verification Is My Best (And Only) Friend

Alright… maybe our friendship isn’t perfect, but at least I’m not my roommate. She’s best friends with the bot that sends AI pictures of feet. 


​​Your WiFi is Insecure; Compliment That Hoe

It's not that hard to make your WiFi feel like the desirable woman that she is.


UPenn Bottoms Protest White Dog’s Bottomless Brunch

Bloody assholes deserve bloody Mary’s.


The United States of Under the Button Declares Independence from Great Daily Pennsylvanian

Henceforth, all that maintain ties to the Great Daily Pennsylvanian are considered traitors. Beware! 


Happy Daddy's Day from Under the Button

The top 3 signs that you is Daddy


Breaking: Pennsylvania to Legalize Marijuana

On April 20, Pennsylvania became the 16th state to legalize recreational marijuana after a years-long campaign to decriminalize the drug. 


University of Pennsylvania Declares April 20th: "Disengagement Day"

With the final Engagement Day having come and gone, and the spring weather being so fucking noice, we are delighted to update you that the University Life and New Student Orientation and Academic Initiatives (NSOAI) has declared Tuesday, April 20th, 2021: Disengagement Day.


Dweeb! Single Tables Force Students to Relive Middle School Trauma

During meals, students sitting alone scream out in agony: “I’m getting my braces off next week, I promise!” One student even broke down crying, muttering to himself: “But, my mother tells me I’m beautiful.” 


Becky Weisberg and Mikayla Golub | Penn must divest from Penn

We cannot even imagine the depth and breadth of Penn's sphere of influence. There's the saying "money makes the world go 'round," but I think the more apt expression is: "money makes the world burn, especially if it's Penn's money." 


Penn to Erect Campus’ First Sex Dungeon

Penn administrators and city leaders joined together Thursday morning, April 1, 2021, for a ribbon-cutting ceremony to officially kick off the construction of the campus' first sex dungeon. 


CDC Reports B.1.1.7 Variant Transmitted Through The Great British Bake Off

The CDC has confirmed our worst fears: the strain is transmitted through one of Americau2019s most beloved British shows, The Great British Bake Off.u00a0


Unhinged! Seven Doors that Aren’t Structurally Sound

We all know that doors are all a little bonkers, but these seven doors are TOTALLY unhinged!  


Stinky Little Sophomores Get Another Year With the Trough

Slurp, slurp, you disgusting soon-to-be sophomores. Don’t throw out your straws and shovels just yet — Amy Gutmann announced that it’s another year of the trough for you pathetic, pasty piggies. 


Sophie’s Choice: Invite Me to Your Party or Know I’ll Report It

You, dear reader, are presented today with a similar, devastating predicament: Do you invite me to your party OR know that I will shut down your shindig out of spite and hot jealous rage? 


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