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Mikayla Golub


QUIZ: Should I Take Next Semester off or My Top Off?

I'm really having a difficult time deciding. 

Trump Gifts His Kids Coal for Christmas to Support the Mining Industry

In an interview Trump said, “I got coal every year in my stocking. Believe me, coal is a staple of this great American holiday.”

Ableist! Readings Days Not Inclusive Towards Illiterate Students

Under the Button will be organizing a real, totally legitimate protest tomorrow at 3:47am in front of College Hall to demand the administration change “Reading Days” to “Days.” 

Get Fucked, Idiots! The P Stands for Penis

Now every time you rep the Red and Blue, you’re actually repping some collegiate chode! 

Trump to Pass New Stimulants Package

Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi were upset that this package was detracting publicity away from their months of hard work on the stimulus package, but then they both did a line of cocaine and felt a lot better!

How to Tell Your Mom You’re Dating a SoundCloud Artist

Mom, all I’ve ever wanted to do is make you proud. I hope that you’re supportive, come to accept him into our family and don’t mind if he occasionally showers in our house. 

A Guide to Dealing with Liberal Relatives Over the Holidays

As your Aunt Cathy is nursing her sixth glass of Chardonnay, yelling that Nancy Pelosi was paid by the Democrats and Big Poor to slip Trump COVID-19 just weeks before the election, it is best to identify your allies, finding the other young, liberal democrats with whom you can discuss your rejection of conventional religions openly and freely. 

You Wish You Were a Fat, Little Turkey Now, Don’t You?

You want those stinky little capitalist consumers vying for you in the supermarket, fighting to bring you home, ram their fists up your ass and then dunk your tender meat in cranberry sauce. Mhmm mhmm mhmmmmm. Doesn’t the American Dream taste delicious? 

UTB MadLibs: Can YOU Help Donald Write His Victory Speech?

I want to thank (celebrity), (closeted-gay Republican), (sell-out democrat), (porn star), (Trump family member), and myself.

Tornado Destroys Philly, Caused By Universal Sigh of Relief

This phenomenon had an extraordinary effect that meteorologists haven’t seen since the fall of the Soviet Union in 1989 and the end of the Great Boston Molasses Flood in 1919: all the air leaving people’s lungs at once caused a giant tornado. 

Op-Ed: I'm Anti-Flu Shot Because I Need Both My Arms for Jerking Off

Sorry, Dad! I know that you live a pious, sex-less life, you soggy Mitch McConnell-look alike and that neither you nor mother has touched your Sahara Desert of a peen since 2015, but this meat’s gotta get tenderized on the reg. 

Canvas: The New Dating App to Meet Old, Married Professors

Hiiiiiiiiiii, KittyKat69SeX411 here! Long time SeekingArrangment user, short time student. I took advantage of the add/drop period, by surfing Canvas pages to find the sad little married fucks in need of some dick tickling. 

Presidential Election, Who? Damn, No One Told Me That Was Yesterday

What a shame Trump might win Pennsylvania on a razor thin margin. If only people had gone out and done the work… reminding me to vote. 

The Results Are In! Obama Won

If we’re going to spread fake news, we might as well make it good news.   

Breaking: My Social Skills During the Pandemic

Hi, um how are you doing? What have you and your um friends been up to? … sorry that’s a stupid question. We’re in a pandemic. Are we friends? Is that weird to ask? It would be nice if we were friends, though. Don’t you think?

Supreme Court Rules Pro-Life: Officially Mandates Masks

On October 26th, 2020, Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed to the Supreme Court. The conservative judges on the Supreme Court have a strong foothold, hoping to rule on topics such as immigration, LGTBQ+ rights and abortion. With the addition of Judge Barrett, the Court is expected to declare the constitutionality of a nationwide mask mandate to secure a pro-life agenda.

BREAKING: Acme to Open a Mini Acme Inside the Starbucks in Acme

Acme executives have voted to greenlight a 10 million dollar construction project that will erect a mini Acme inside Acme’s satellite Starbucks.

Stuck At Home: Frat Guy Missing Parties to Start Accosting Sister’s Barbies

“Don’t judge me, Kathy! I just miss campus so much and the endless opportunity to grope women…. treading the fine line between sexual misconduct and oopsie daisy!” 

Mike Pence's Head Fly, Will You Go to Prom With Me?

I know that that you're way out of my league, given that you're an international sensation now, but Mike Pence's Head Fly, WILL YOU GO TO PROM WITH ME? 

Student Health Service’s Guide to Safe Sex During COVID-19

Over at Student Health Services, we know that the young mind is susceptible to poor decision making, and will likely put lust over logic. Therefore, we’ve created this document of SHS’s top tips and tricks to help navigate sexual relations during the pandemic.