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“It means a lot to me,” says Texas native, Sammy Rodriguez (W ‘23). “You know, my family in Austin has been really struggling to stay warm and find drinkable water, so to see Senator Ted Cruz take 5 minutes out of his vacation time to boil a pot of water is truly heartwarming. I’m sure it’ll mean a lot to my family too once their power comes back on.” 

By foregoing vaccination altogether, Philadelphia city officials report with near certainty that they will not be able to mishandle another vaccine distribution attempt.

Students in Klaus’ classes report that what were once weekly breakdowns have now become daily episodes of Professor Klaus lashing out at his computer. “I’ve tried every route imaginable to resolve this issue,” said Klaus, tearing up. “I have disassembled and then reassembled my NASA-grade computer no fewer than 15 times.”

The only problem is that the student is now so sensitive to daylight, he plans to stay at home for the Spring semester. But who are we kidding, that’s what all of us are doing anyways.

I cannot recommend the Four Seasons enough! My only complaint is that there was heavy traffic during our checkout time due to some sort of cult propaganda shoot or something.

The hopes of those Americans who still believe in science have just been dashed by this unprecedented discovery: the shot is simply filled with 195 proof vodka, making it the equivalent of injecting two and a half shots of Strawberry Lemonade Svedka directly into your bloodstream.

The official number hasn’t been released yet, but UTB is absolutely confident in the power of underclassmen polisci majors and Change.org’s 100% success rate.

'Cause to lose all our breaks, that is just so typical Penn.

“It’s more of a plan D than anything. Plans A through C fell through because they involved actually selling clothing.”