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Most Depressing Places On Campus Volume XIII: Corner Of Starbucks Under Commons

If you need to break up with your significant other but can't find the perfect location to deliver the crushing news, consider this depressing spot. Tucked away in the corner of the Starbucks under Commons, this alcove has all the trappings necessary to turn an OK breakup experience into a great one. Here's why:

  • No chairs, so your now-ex-lover can't get comfortable. This naturally limits the length of the conversation, discouraging any awkward conversation or interaction whatsoever after the important words have been said.
  • No lights, so you can pretend you don't notice your former sweetheart crying or lip syncing the entirety of Adele's 2011 runaway success, "Rolling in the Deep." 
  • Fire alarm close by in case things go sour. It is of course illegal to falsely pull a fire alarm, but maybe you mistook the flames in the fireplaces in Starbucks for a real, uncontrolled inferno. 
  • It's right next to a door to the kitchen or something, which makes it kind of loud. When your erstwhile darling tries to negotiate with you to try again, or perhaps sing all of "Someone Like You," another smash hit from 2011 recorded by British pop artist Adele, you probably won't be able to hear it.
  • In a public enough place that you won't get murdered, but also in a private enough place that you aren't really "making a scene."
  • The door to the outside is adjacent to this spot, allowing a quick and effortless getaway.

We can only imagine that this spot, neither intimate nor formal, has seen the divergence of countless couples, given its natural excellence as a breakup spot. It almost feels haunted by the ghosts of relationships past. Be a part of a budding Penn tradition, and take your soon-to-be-single partner to this shadowy nook.