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Crocodile Spotted In Schuylkill River

Whip out your Ouija boards, throw on the nearest piece of khaki-colored clothing and pretend to know what the fuck “crikey” means, because we need Steve Irwin now more than ever. A croc was recently spotted in the Schuylkill River, and we're not talking about the elegant, practical foam shoes.

Aside from being the only reason you didn't go for a run along the river this weekend, the two-and-a-half foot long crocodile also posed a threat to the Head of the Schuylkill Regatta last weekend. However, president and co-director Ellen Carver seemed to think the weekend’s cold weather would drive it clear from the 2,000 boats. Of course, yesterday’s (frigid) temperature of 80 degrees ensures that the crocodile spent the weekend seeking warmth instead of the fresh, readily available blood of the regatta’s 8,500 competitors.

Most suspect that the crocodile’s owner released it into the appropriately tropical ecosystem of urban Pennsylvania, but one can only imagine where the croc will end up next. Skulking in the waters of the next inevitable high rise flood? Disguised as “tofu” in Commons “stir fry”? In the biopond, mingling with the turtles until it experiences a devastating relocation? Or perhaps as Amy Gutmann’s new, homemade handbag, seeing as she can no longer afford to purchase high fashion, or anything for that matter, on her meagre salary.

In the meantime, precautionary “No Swimming in River” signs are in the works to avoid any foreseeable legal crises. If you see the crocodile roaming campus or near any small children, be sure to email animal control at tips@underthebutton.com.