Mackenzie Lukas


Articles

OP-ED: Don’t Blame Me, Blame The System. I Will Eat My Kettle Chips in VP Basement Loudly and Proudly

Sweet, sweet Mark’s Café has its ups (Dibs) and downs (sandwiches, sushi, fruit, coffee), and kettle chips fall right in the middle.


‘Ow! My Pee! It Burns!' and 7 Other UTI-Related Exclamations to Ward off That Creepy Guy at the Bar

Bring out the big guns and use one or many of these UTI-related exclamations to ward off that creepy guy.


'It's Senior Year, I Don't Care About School Anymore!' Says Student Who Pulled All-Nighter in VP Last Night

Senior year: the year of lasts, firsts, parties, and the impending doom of transitioning into a somewhat functioning adult.


OP-ED: I Met Your Parents This Weekend, And Now I Know Why You Suck So Much

Listen, don’t take it personally, but I met your parents this weekend, and now it’s extremely clear to me why and how you suck so much. It’s as if I saw the embodiment of anything and everything that’s wrong with you, except heightened.


So You’ve Been Sexually Awakened After Meeting Your BFF’s DILFy Dad at Family Weekend. Now What?

Forget Stacy’s mom! Stacy’s dad is really the one who’s got it goin’ on.


Sophomore’s Seasonal Excuse for Procrastination Becomes ‘It’s Spooky Szn’

Boo, bitches. The crisp autumn air means Starbucks menus have flipped and sorority trips to Linvilla Orchards are in full swing. Though with this pleasant change of weather comes another difficult change as classes become more intense for Wharton sophomore Jessica Daniels.


Freshman Who Chose Penn For ‘Party School’ Status Applies to Transfer After Visiting Literally Any Other School

Penn students’ motto is work hard, play harder, right? Our bangers rival those of Playboy’s top party schools, yeah?


Freshman Clutching Pedialyte Bottle at Hill Brunch Wants YOU To Know He Drank Alcohol Last Night!

Yo, this kid is sick! Jared Wells (C ’22) sipped on the devil’s sweet, sweet nectar last night at a few parties thrown by some dudes who he’s actively trying to impress by reflecting an inauthentic version of himself.


OP-ED: No, I Definitely Didn't Memorize This Restaurant's Menu, And I Haven’t Practiced Saying My Order Out Loud

Friend, thanks so much for reaching out to schedule our monthly catch-up dinner for tonight. I have a crippling fear of social interaction and pass the days convincing myself that my friends all hate me, so this was a lovely surprise!


Senior Blows ‘Signing Bonus’ in Vegas, Has Not Yet Landed Any First Round Interviews

Senior Bryn Williamson had the fall break of her life. She’s only had three other fall breaks and they were all going home to the Main Line, but this one was definitely the best. Williamson and 150 of her closest friends in the top 1% followed in the footsteps of their elders and made the pilgrimage to Sin City.


OP-ED: Sure, My PNC Bank Online Statement Is Ready for Me, But Am I Ready for It?

What a lovely morning I was having. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and I only had two stress dreams the night before.


Shocked Wharton Senior Fulfilling Humanities Requirement Hears First Ever Criticism of Capitalism

Josh Greenberg (W ’18) concentrates in Finance and Statistics and has taken a pretty typical course load so far: Advanced Corporate Finance for his major, Intro to Marketing (received a B- despite claiming it was “common sense” the entire semester), and a Gender Studies class just to pick up chicks.


‘I'm Really Trying to Eat Better This Year,' Says Junior Hours Before His Weekly Drunk McDonald's Visit

Mark Campbell (C ’21) is so proud of himself for sticking to his diet regimen so far. After one too many tummy pokes from his mom this summer saying how he’s so “big-boned” and seeing a bit more Commons ice cream sundaes on his thighs than he’d like, he’s finally off a meal plan and eating his fair share of fruits, veggies, and proteins.


OP-ED: Check Out My Shirt! It's Like an Expensive Brand But My Frat, Haha

I’m Bradley, a sophomore in Wharton from Greenwich, CT studying finance. I joined my Non-Hazing Fraternity last winter, and my buddy Jake is doing a sick job as Vice President of Frocket Tees, Coozies, and Croakies. Actually, check out the shirt I have on right now. It’s like an expensive brand but my frat, haha.


OP-ED: Let's Try Planning Fall Break For Months, Drop the Ball And Just Get a MegaBus to NYC, I Guess

Hey pals, what’s the haps? I know we’re still rotting away in the offices at the jobs our parents so graciously awarded us, but we NEED to do something fun for fall break this year. I was thinking Amalfi Coast? Maybe Dubai? I’d also be down for Sydney! It’ll be so simple to arrange a quick little weekend trip with my best friends.


5 Sex Positions For Horny Freshmen Sleeping in Kings Court Lounges

Hey, you sultry Kings Court residents. Have things been getting too steamy in your bedroom? No, literally, have you resorted to sleeping on the filthy couches and floor of your first floor lounge to escape attempting to fall asleep in a puddle of your own sweat? Knew it.


Senior Girl With $2,400 Rent to Literally Never Leave Smokes

Christie Satterfield (C ’19) doesn’t love her new apartment at The Brian. Sure, it has super cute granite countertops in the kitchen and bathrooms, the most lovely waterfall shower and multi-jet bathtub, and such a quaint planetarium off the living room. But it just doesn’t feel like home sweet home.


Uh Oh! New Pool Party Dress Code Excludes Jerseys, Crop Tops, and Privilege

The dress code states that, “under no circumstance are sports jerseys allowed in the vicinity. Please find hip, alternative ways to assert your stomach-churning masculinity. We have faith in you.


‘I’m Not Abusing This Elephant, He Loves It!’ Says Clueless Graduated Senior in Thailand

CJ Hoffman (W ’18) and fourteen of his closest Upsilon Gamma brothers wanted to treat themselves after their recent graduation. You know, since the treat of an Ivy League degree fully paid by their hardworking parents while remaining wholly financially dependent just wasn’t enough.


Junior Boy Featured in 'My Strange Addiction' Ecstatic for Hey Day

Michael Coyle (C ’19) is just like any other junior. He spent the fall sweet talking recruiters in Saxbys, the winter feeding his blossoming alcoholism in order to cope with the stress of school, and the spring enjoying the sunshine on College Green.


PennConnects