Mackenzie Lukas


Articles

See Ya, Sean! Jenny Is Practicing Zero-Waste, and You Didn’t Make the Cut

Along with using lots of Tupperware, Jenny is extending this mindset to other aspects of her life.


OP-ED: Capital One Cafe Isn't like Other Cafes, It's Worse

It’s a microcosm of coffee and money. At this point, Penn should look into adding it to its real estate portfolio.


Senior More Committed to Earning Spot on Feb Club Smokes Plaque Than on Dean's List the past 4 Years

He is experiencing an unparalleled amount of drive that he had not yet embodied during his time at Penn: he must make it on to the Smoke’s plaque.


Okay, Be Honest: Would Ted Bundy Have Killed Me?

He is literally my dream guy. You know, if he didn’t do all of those bad things, I guess.


Penn Bacteria Club to Hold Monthly GBMs at Concourse Dance Bar

All meetings and conferences held by PBC will take place in the Concourse ball pit.


Girl with New Glossier Products Excited to Redefine Herself This Semester as 'Dewy'

She’s going to be so moist all the time. Her youthful glow is going to figuratively, and maybe even literally, deflect any and all crusty objects that attempt to penetrate her sweet, slippery face. 


Freshman with ‘7 Rings’ Energy Bursars AirPods for Six of Her Bitches

Bursts of hot pink and purple light suddenly beat down upon Fitzgerald as her desire – nay – NEED to spoil her friends with her riches overwhelmed her petite body.


Sorority Engaged in Immersive Rehearsals of Live Action Rendition of 'Madeline'

They have dedicated the six weeks until spring break to wholeheartedly morphing into French children. Preparation for the performance includes weekly Parc brunches, mixers with Euro Penn, and developing a rather dangerous addiction to cigarettes.


Students Install Giant White Sneaker on Ben Franklin Bench to Represent White Sneakers at Penn

The three fine arts students created the installation for a final project in hopes of raising awareness that the majority of Penn students have incredibly basic shoe game. 


OP-ED: Yes, Bumble, I Am Buzzworthy, Now Tell That One Guy Who Hasn't Responded in 17 Days

As I carefully scrutinize men's grammar, hairstyles, and mirror pic to non-mirror pic ratio, I receive a Gmail notification and feel a tingle.


'He Trimmed His Nails Before Fingering Me' And 5 Other Hygienic Reasons Why You Should Cuff

Ladies, on this campus riddled with hand, foot, and mouth disease and midterms-induced greasy hair, we have to prioritize cleanliness when securing a mans for the long, cold winter ahead.


Senior Turns 21, No One Gives a Fuck Cause Didn't That Happen Already? Wow, You're Young!

"I guess I’ll go, but if she wears a sash or posts a photo with those obnoxious balloons, I swear to God..."


Nice! Fellow Bathroom Patrons Can't Hear You Take Massive Shit If You Leave AirPods In

Duty calls, and sometimes it calls outside the comfort of your apartment's shared toilet.


OP-ED: Don’t Blame Me, Blame The System. I Will Eat My Kettle Chips in VP Basement Loudly and Proudly

Sweet, sweet Mark’s Café has its ups (Dibs) and downs (sandwiches, sushi, fruit, coffee), and kettle chips fall right in the middle.


‘Ow! My Pee! It Burns!' and 7 Other UTI-Related Exclamations to Ward off That Creepy Guy at the Bar

Bring out the big guns and use one or many of these UTI-related exclamations to ward off that creepy guy.


'It's Senior Year, I Don't Care About School Anymore!' Says Student Who Pulled All-Nighter in VP Last Night

Senior year: the year of lasts, firsts, parties, and the impending doom of transitioning into a somewhat functioning adult.


OP-ED: I Met Your Parents This Weekend, And Now I Know Why You Suck So Much

Listen, don’t take it personally, but I met your parents this weekend, and now it’s extremely clear to me why and how you suck so much. It’s as if I saw the embodiment of anything and everything that’s wrong with you, except heightened.


So You’ve Been Sexually Awakened After Meeting Your BFF’s DILFy Dad at Family Weekend. Now What?

Forget Stacy’s mom! Stacy’s dad is really the one who’s got it goin’ on.


Sophomore’s Seasonal Excuse for Procrastination Becomes ‘It’s Spooky Szn’

Boo, bitches. The crisp autumn air means Starbucks menus have flipped and sorority trips to Linvilla Orchards are in full swing. Though with this pleasant change of weather comes another difficult change as classes become more intense for Wharton sophomore Jessica Daniels.


Freshman Who Chose Penn For ‘Party School’ Status Applies to Transfer After Visiting Literally Any Other School

Penn students’ motto is work hard, play harder, right? Our bangers rival those of Playboy’s top party schools, yeah?


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