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Tomorrow You'll Feast On Ben Franklin's Patriotism

Thanksgiving: the day when unbuttoning your pants at the dinner table is finally sort of socially acceptable, you successfully (or unsuccessfully) avoid these conversations with your aunt twice removed from the depths of Texas, and you overdose on Pedialyte after a night of drowning in alcohol with the few remaining hometown homies.

When you’re wincing through Snapchat stories of your ex-hookups’ dinners (hint: no one gives a shit about how full your plate is), take some time to fully reflect on the animal we celebrate: the turkey.

Whether its lack of flavor isn’t that big of a deal or you’d rather willingly eat tofurkey, turkey is probably going to be wasting space on your dinner table tomorrow. But while you’re either gloomily succumbing to the muscle memory of “animal on fork, fork to mouth” or avoiding any and all interaction from across the table, remember that the founder of this institution wanted that sad pile of meat to be this country’s national bird. Ben Franklin legitimately thought a plumper rat with wings and excess neck fat could better represent the United States and all that it stands for (whatever that may be nowadays) than the ever majestic bald eagle.

This leads to a few conclusions: his rose-colored glasses weren’t as thick as they should’ve been, he had cannibalistic tendencies and his appreciation for the underdog must have somehow contributed to the repetitiveness of today’s films’ storylines.

With each meaty bite tomorrow, may you revel in what could have been the taste of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Hopefully this pursuit includes that of your high school flame this weekend.