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Hillel Celebrates One Week Without Jewish Holiday

If you, like UTB, are supporting Vermin Supreme for president and thus have no interest in going to Hillary’s rally tonight, you’re in luck - there’s another, equally exciting event that you can attend. Hillel is hosting a “No More Holidays Party," where they will be celebrating “all of the good parts” of Jewish holidays and “none of the bad.” That is, there will be food to celebrate the lack of Jewish Holidays in a seven day period.

To be fair, going seven days without a Jewish Holiday is pretty exciting because it only happens zero times per year (Shabbat is celebrated every Friday night to Saturday). This week, however, we suppose that Hillel is anticipating the world’s end on Tuesday (?) and thus Shabbat will not come on Friday. It’s hard to say.

Now if we’re not counting Shabbat as a holiday, there were only 19 weeks during 2016 when the Jewish people went a whole Sunday through Saturday without a holiday, so by our calculations, it’s about a 1,501 times in a lifetime opportunity. To put that into perspective, most people only get the chance to masturbate a horse on national television 30 times in their lifetime (in hindsight, we’re not sure how that helps put it into perspective). So hit up Hillel at 8:00 tonight, and vote Vermin Supreme tomorrow!