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Becky Molinoff


Articles

Bitch: This Anti-Vaxxer Takes Shots From Brad at AEPi But Not From Dr. Goldberg

Does it seem like, maybe, the fact that you couldn’t get off your ass and buy the agreed upon alcohol for the party has harmed someone who has an underlying condition that made her more vulnerable to shitty alcohol?


OP-ED: Here’s Why I Need All 64 Outlets At This Airport Gate

Oh you want to know if I’ll give up any of the outlets I’m occupying? Well gosh, let me think about that. I certainly can’t unplug my space heater or my portable air conditioning, lest my body temperature stray from this equilibrium. I guess I could give up the plug for my massage chair, but it’s just not that comfortable when it’s just sitting in one place.


There’s No Need To Lock Up The Lab’s Drugs, Says Guy Who’s Definitely Not Stealing The Lab’s Drugs

Again, we should definitely keep the coke cabinet unlocked. It’s just logical. 


Penn Panhellenic Reveals That Dining Hall Food Has Been Hazing This Whole Time

Students forced to pay for expensive dining plans with poor food options and remarkably limited hours have been subjected to this hazing for many years without anyone considering the possibility that it’s been a hazing conspiracy this entire time.


Study Shows Drunk Girls Complimenting You More Effective Than Penn’s Mental Health Efforts

Despite the various attempts by the Penn administration to improve the mental health services they provide, many students have found the availability and breadth of resources to be unsatisfactory.


New Wharton Class Requirement: 'How to Avoid Conspiring with Foreign Leaders Against American Democracy, Just in Case'

To the dismay of Wharton students, the administration has just added an additional required class for all Wharton undergrads. How to Avoid Conspiring With Foreign Leaders Against American Democracy, or BEPP-650, will be taken by all students during their senior year. Professor Andrew Bui will be teaching the first iteration of the course starting next semester.


Watch out Yale: Penn May Become Second Ivy to Have an Alum Impeached While President

Yale has always thought it was hot shit because Bill Clinton went to law school there and then got impeached. Although no other ivy has been able to claim that honor, that may soon be changing. Penn may become the second ivy to have an alum impeached while in office. Though Donald Trump hardly went to Penn, having been an incredibly low-performing transfer student, he is technically an alum.


Oof, This Confused Freshman Thinks Bowl is a Kazoo

The group was hanging out in the common room of the Gamma Upsilon Yamma Zeta (GUYZ) house when, according to Coleman, someone took out a “fancy looking kazoo.”


Frat Too Cool to Mix with Any Women

“We realized that we’ve just been getting cooler and cooler all the time, but everyone else has been pretty much standing still."


Quiz: Is This Karma? Or a Direct Consequence of Your Actions?

Are you someone who frequently has bad luck? Do things just never go your way sometimes?


How to Adjust Your Velcro Shoes During a Midterm

Slowly undo the velcro on both shoes. Really draw it out so that people will think that you’re done before hearing even more separating velcro.


Big Turn On: This Guy Showed Me a Clip of His High School Touchdown on Our First Date

Rogerson High School had been down 20-24 in the fourth quarter against their rivals, Ridgeport High School, with just 12 seconds on the clock. The team had the ball at its own 30-yard line, and prospects were grim. That’s when Coach Matt told the team to play a hail mary like they’d practiced.


Student in Natural Disturbances and Human Disasters Is a Human Disaster

Talk about a class where you can really learn about yourself! Even better than PHIL 277 Conceptions of the Self, this class literally referenced College junior Gerry Kard in the title.


BREAKING: Stanford Bad School

Everyone talks about how Stanford is this really good school, but I don’t really understand it. What makes them so special? Is there something I’m missing here?


After Temporary Frogro Closure, Students Confused That “Visible Physical Evidence of Rodents” Now Considered a Problem

At first I thought that the visible physical evidence of rodents was something that should be reported, but then I realized that was silly. It’s like, would you report it if your air conditioning was working too well? Obviously not, and it’s the same thing.


Balance Wizard? A Guy Just Passed By Me At a Party Without Putting His Hand On My Lower Back

I didn’t believe it until it happened to me. I’d always assumed that there was some biological difference between men and women that made it impossible for a man to pass behind a woman without putting his hand on her lower back.


Life Hack: My Apartment Is Supposed to Be Quiet After Midnight, But I Can't Tell Time

Guess who’s laughing now? Certainly not my third grade classmates who made fun of me for my inability to tell time. 


BREAKING: Ultra Conservatives Now Advocating Fetuses’ Right to Bear Arms

 If a fetus is not permitted to bear arms, how will we be protected against tyranny? 


Breaking: Joe Biden Declares Presidential Bid, Would Be First Penn Alum to Hold Position

The monumental opportunity this provides for the school cannot be understated. Of the Ivy League schools, Harvard, Yale, Princeton, and Columbia all have associations with previous presidents. Biden’s candidacy represents the opportunity for Penn to join the ranks of these other Ivy League schools. 


Yikes: Britain Just Used Their Last Extension, Next Time They Lose a Letter Grade

It’s only the beginning of April, and Britain has already used all of their extensions for the semester. The next time they fail to meet a deadline, their grade will go down by a full letter grade per late day. 


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