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Becky Molinoff


Anti-Quarantine Protests: Finally, A Social Movement We Can All Get Behind

Some people in various states around the country were like, this quarantine thing sucks. I want to be able to buy grass seed and go to my third home. I miss the everyday freedoms like yelling offensive things at women on the street. And we all get it — every one of us misses those things too.

Anti Vaxxers Weigh In: Let’s Throw Measles Back Into the Mix!

But look. I think we can do even better. Why would we stop at one wildly dangerous, devastating illness when we could do more?

OP-ED: Here’s How Tulsi Can Still Win

Now I know that Tulsi dropped out a while back, but I’m pretty sure that whole “dropping out” thing was a fakeout. Let’s look at the math.

Whoops: Shabbat Services Devolve into Jews Saying Hi to Each Other Again

Uh-oh… it’s happening again.

CORRECTION: Professor Ewens Actually Very Young, Nimble

Under the Button would like to appeal to the public in repentance for these mistakes. We hope that Professor Ewens himself can agree that people make mistakes, but they should always be given the opportunity to redeem themselves.

Yes! 40 Year Old Man Thinks You’re Hot

You really needed something to boost your confidence. And wouldn’t you know, this balding 40-something-year-old man was just the guy to make that happen.

Wow, This Sophomore Got Altitude Sickness From His Elevated Self-Worth

The doctor continued to explain that despite not having been anywhere with very high or low altitude recently, Brandon’s elevated sense of self-worth had actually given him altitude sickness. 

OP-ED: Galentine’s Day Is Too Exclusive to People Who Have Friends

We get it, you have friends. You got gal pals, and you all hang out and drink wine and bake cookies together. And cool, you get your own holiday for it. 

Conspiracy: Amy Gutmann Has Been Replaced by a Lookalike, No One Notices

One time I thought I saw her, but it was just a very lifelike looking tree with yellow leaves. And that was in the fall.

Wellness Win: Penn to Remove Mirrors From Van Pelt

"Whenever I’d go to the bathroom in the middle of a long study period I’d have mascara running down my face from all the tears. Then when I go back to studying I have the newfound knowledge that I’m stupid and ugly."

Sad! This Senior Missed the Deadline to Add Friends

She needed to drop all her old friends before she could add the new ones because they just wouldn’t fit together. Unfortunately, as well-intentioned as her plan was, it was doomed to fail. Homstaller was not paying enough attention to the add deadline and ended up dropping all of her friends just before the deadline passed.

BREAKING: Dumpster Fire Breaks Out In My Brain

A dumpster fire broke out in my brain this afternoon and has yet to be extinguished.

BREAKING: Lindsey Thinks Her Backpack Needs Its Own Chair at Starbucks

“Well here’s what I wish I’d said. I wish I would’ve been like, 'okay sweetheart. Here’s what’s gonna happen. You’re gonna move your bag from this chair, you’re gonna pull it out for me so I can sit down, and you’re gonna apologize to me for my troubles. Then, you’re gonna pack up your stuff, walk out the door, and never show your face here again…' But instead I just apologized for bothering her, did a weird little bow, and ran out without picking up my drink.”

Bitch: This Anti-Vaxxer Takes Shots From Brad at AEPi But Not From Dr. Goldberg

Does it seem like, maybe, the fact that you couldn’t get off your ass and buy the agreed upon alcohol for the party has harmed someone who has an underlying condition that made her more vulnerable to shitty alcohol?

OP-ED: Here’s Why I Need All 64 Outlets At This Airport Gate

Oh you want to know if I’ll give up any of the outlets I’m occupying? Well gosh, let me think about that. I certainly can’t unplug my space heater or my portable air conditioning, lest my body temperature stray from this equilibrium. I guess I could give up the plug for my massage chair, but it’s just not that comfortable when it’s just sitting in one place.

There’s No Need To Lock Up The Lab’s Drugs, Says Guy Who’s Definitely Not Stealing The Lab’s Drugs

Again, we should definitely keep the coke cabinet unlocked. It’s just logical. 

Penn Panhellenic Reveals That Dining Hall Food Has Been Hazing This Whole Time

Students forced to pay for expensive dining plans with poor food options and remarkably limited hours have been subjected to this hazing for many years without anyone considering the possibility that it’s been a hazing conspiracy this entire time.

Study Shows Drunk Girls Complimenting You More Effective Than Penn’s Mental Health Efforts

Despite the various attempts by the Penn administration to improve the mental health services they provide, many students have found the availability and breadth of resources to be unsatisfactory.

New Wharton Class Requirement: 'How to Avoid Conspiring with Foreign Leaders Against American Democracy, Just in Case'

To the dismay of Wharton students, the administration has just added an additional required class for all Wharton undergrads. How to Avoid Conspiring With Foreign Leaders Against American Democracy, or BEPP-650, will be taken by all students during their senior year. Professor Andrew Bui will be teaching the first iteration of the course starting next semester.

Watch out Yale: Penn May Become Second Ivy to Have an Alum Impeached While President

Yale has always thought it was hot shit because Bill Clinton went to law school there and then got impeached. Although no other ivy has been able to claim that honor, that may soon be changing. Penn may become the second ivy to have an alum impeached while in office. Though Donald Trump hardly went to Penn, having been an incredibly low-performing transfer student, he is technically an alum.