Becky Molinoff


Articles

Cool, This Dude Leaned So Far Back In His Chair That He’s Basically In My Lap

Um, excuse me. Can I help you? What are you doing?


The Ten Best Erasers For When You Realize Your Whole Exam Is Wrong Five Minutes Before It’s Over

If you write very lightly, you’ll be able to smoothly erase your entire exam with just this little thing in under 15 minutes.



Freshman Unsure If She Should Stay Friends With Hall Until After Group Halloween Costume

Now that it’s October, Halloween is probably the only thing anyone is thinking about. Besides the pressure to find a costume that is both funny and slutty, there’s the importance of having a good group costume.


New Men’s Studies Major Differs From History Major By One Class

Newsflash, my dudes! Men’s rights are finally being brought to the table at Penn. After years of the powerful and exclusive Woman’s Club dominating the scene, men are rising up from the ashes to put the (M)enn back in Penn. You heard us ladies: your estrogen party is officially OVER. Say goodbye to public spaces that are dominated by women’s paraphernalia and hello to graffiti dicks on every flat surface around campus. Because at long last, the Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies major at Penn has been joined by its partner, Penn Men’s Studies (PMS).


Perfect Timing! In The Midst Of The Kavanaugh Hearing, Penn’s Task Force Makes Women Feel Safe Again

“Wow, thank goodness for that task force,” is probably something most Penn students are used to saying all the time. From recommending event observers to insinuating that reducing alcohol consumption will stop sexual assault, Penn’s task force has really gotten the job done. And now, they've done it again.


'I Just Like the Naked Pics,' Claims Frat Bro Passionate About Renaissance Art

Good fucking save bro. Anonymous sophomore Jack M* (name changed), a brother in Beta Omega Iota Zeta Fraternity (BOIZ) almost made a real blunder. After telling his brothers that he was going to the gym, Jack was seen by an informant at the Art Museum looking at Renaissance paintings. He had to think fast to come up with an appropriate explanation that wouldn’t make him look “weak” or “sensitive.” Quick on his feet, Jack came up with the perfect thing—he told his brothers that he just likes looking at the naked pics!


Science Explains: Homophobes Are Extra Active This Month Because Mercury Is in Heterograde

Mercury is only in heterograde once every eight months or so, but the effects are significant enough that astrologists have spent considerable time studying it. Heterograde occurs when Mercury nears the end of its orbit around Earth, when two of Earth’s moons create a sort of frame around the planet. Similar to more commonly discussed retrograde, where Mercury appears to be moving backwards, during heterograde, Mercury appears to be wearing salmon shorts, vaping, and adding the phrase “no homo” to any expression of camaraderie with a member of the same sex.


Here Are 5 Definitive Ways to Tell If Your Roommate Is a Psychopath

So you moved in about three weeks ago, and it has been a whirlwind. After meeting your roommate, hanging out a ton with them during NSO, and then completely ditching them when you made your real friends, you’re beginning to notice some weird things they do. After speaking with several Penn scientists and psychopaths we know personally, we’ve compiled a list of five foolproof ways to tell if your roommate is a psychopath.


Missed the Memo: This Kid’s Wearing Trout Colored Shorts

Did Vineyard Vines run out of salmon colored shorts? No! This libertarian just wanted to swim against the current for a change. Michael Hansel (C ‘22) was a trout in a sea of salmon last Tuesday, a bold choice at such a critical time of year.


Smart: This Company Will Pay For Your College Education in Exchange for Just Your Organs

Have you ever found yourself wishing that college wasn’t so expensive? Have you ever thought to yourself, "I don’t even know what half of my organs are for?" Well, if you happen to have done both of those things, you're in luck! Organic Education is offering college students the deal of a lifetime—they will pay for your college education in exchange for just your organs.


OP-ED: Penn Should Totally Offer Summer Classes!

Once I had this crazy idea, I couldn’t believe that no one had thought of it before.


Quiz: Do Your Summer Coworkers Hate You?

Take this quiz to stay ahead of the curve and find out if your coworkers think you’re a real dick.


Entrepreneurial Win: This Wharton Student Books GSRs to Auction Off to Measly College Students

It may be finals week, but that doesn’t mean business has to stop. Justin Kanter (W '19) didn’t want to suppress his entrepreneurial spirit just because of finals, but he wasn’t sure how he could possibly profit off of the masses while everyone was studying.


Professor Has Been Speaking Into Unplugged Mic for Entire Semester

At the start of every class, Professor Rosenberg adjusts the microphone on the podium at the front of the classroom. He taps on it twice to get the students’ attention, and then begins his lecture.


Student Excited to Spend Reading Days Getting Into a Good Book in for a Rude Awakening

Susan Andrews (C '21) cannot wait for reading days. After a very long and very difficult semester, she’s really looking forward to spending a couple of days reading a good book. For months, she's been dreaming of curling up in some onesie pajamas, sipping a hot cocoa, and delving into an imaginary world.


‘I Can't Wait To Escape Penn's Toxic Environment This Summer,' Says Student Who's Living in House On Sansom

College freshman Cynthia Clark was thrilled to get a research position at Penn this summer, but she soon became worried about staying in the oft stressful, frequently competitive environment of Penn all summer. 


Who Did Amy G Pay for That Fling Weather?

I mean, we know the girl’s got a lot of cash, but how much did Amy Gutmann shell out for the gorgeous weather during fling? Like seriously, there’s no way that was natural.



Unpacking Penn: What Your Tour Guides REALLY Don’t Tell You When You Visit Campus

Here’s some things that our tour guide *conveniently* forgot to mention.


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