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Joe Biden Attempts to Make PennKey, Finds "biden" Already Taken

Credit: Susanna Jaramillo

Serving as vice president of the United States is tough. But selecting a viable PennKey is far harder. Shortly after facing rejection from eight Wharton clubs, former Vice President Joe Biden recently ran into another roadblock in his transition to Penn: the PennKey "biden" was already taken.

"I just got all these weird options," said a bemused Biden. "I had to pick from terrible stuff like bijo and josbi. And that's not even the stuff including my middle name, like jorobi, robibi, and brob." Biden's middle name is Robinette.

Although several of his family members have attended Penn, Biden had specifically told them to save the biden PennKey for him, citing a general dibs on all things Biden. "When my granddaughter started at Penn, she wanted hers to be 'biden,'" Biden told us. "But I said no. I called that PennKey since before she was born. I’m the OG Biden."

We emailed all the Penn email addresses we could think of with the handle "biden" until we got a statement from biden@vet.upenn.edu. "I really just went with it because 'bdench' wasn't an option," said Bianca Dench, a 2nd-year veterinary student. "Now please stop sending me emails." She expressed concern over receiving too many irrelevant emails next year, worrying that she might miss important messages like those mobilizing the Penn community to support horse masturbation.

Due to Dench's foolish inability to predict that the Vice President of the United States would become a professor at Penn, Biden will have to settle for a mediocre PennKey.

"I went with 'jobide.' It's not a great PennKey, and it’s not an awful PennKey. It’s the kind of PennKey where you look at it and you understand where it came from." Biden indicated that he had made peace with his new PennKey, since he probably wasn’t going to use his Penn email address much anyway.