We call on the great silent majority, the privileged students of Penn: Be loud. Be proud. Never forget that you, above everyone else, matter.

Always appearing at official university functions, but only from a distance. So rarely seen that meeting her around campus is a newsworthy event — one that must be documented with photographic evidence for your peers.

"On very special occasions, like the birthday of Theresa’s favorite horse, Timothée, her mother might even pick up Theresa and her laundry basket from campus."

"By visiting others, you could be putting yourself — and your loved ones — at risk, no matter how fun it is to break all your friends' rocks and run around whacking them with a net. Believe me, I know.”

Gutmann has been diagnosed with a rare neurological condition: she cannot read or comprehend text that is not in the form of a Change.org petition.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck!!!

Additionally, since shuttles increase the congestion on Market Street and cause traffic jams, providing a private helicopter service would be just as, if not more, environmentally friendly than a shuttle. Finally, shuttles are simply uncool, and typically have bullies sitting in the back.

So I’m writing this to ask: before you judge me, before you ridicule me, before you condemn my very existence — you need to hear my story.

Describing members as “freeloaders” and “welfare queens,” Statesman Editor-in-Chief Madeleine Jacobs (W ‘21) criticized the group’s status as a SAC-funded group.

It would be a house just for me and my closest friends. We could hang out every day! It would be so much fun. I don’t say this enough, but I love my friends a lot.

New College House will be renamed as Lauder College House after a major donation from the Lauder family, which sources say dwarfed the New College family’s by nearly 10 times. The move sent New College patriarch Robert William New College II into a fury.

While other interns took weekend day trips up to San Francisco, Johnson contented herself with Ubering in an endless loop from Mountain View to Palo Alto, down to Cupertino, and back to Sunnyvale. While her friends went hiking over the Fourth of July weekend, she visited her top Bay Area attractions: Facebook’s campus, Apple’s campus, and Google’s other campus. 

Members of the Philadelphia chapter of the Eugenicist Values Interest League (EVIL) were spotted in the Towne Building attending a lecture of EAS 203, a mandatory course for all engineering students. Their initial enthusiasm, however, was quickly dampened by the actual contents of the lecture.

I know I'm short. I know you think I'm short. I can see how much you want to express it. By all means, go ahead.

He's set his sights on one of the most difficult engineering challenges of post-industrial life.

Life has been busy. Homework is endless. You were supposed to send those emails a while ago.

Wawa water is not just for drinking.

Have you ever picked up your second chicken over rice of the day and thought to yourself, "Hmm... I wonder which hot, crowded, uncomfortable classroom I should eat this in?" Well, we've got five lecture halls where you'll be sure to make your classmates gag!

Freshman Jack Liu, a prospective CIS major, attended CIS 160 office hours on Tuesday evening to receive guidance on his homework. Unfortunately, he left more confused than when he entered.

"I hate how they pretend to get to know you and then reject you. It just feels fake and impersonal," complained Chan, whose club cut 50 freshmen after reading through responses to insightful, personalized questions such as, "Why do you want to join DIVEST?"