Student Somehow Evades Van Pelt’s Flawless Bag Check, Steals 5 Books
February 28, 2017 at 4:14 pm
A criminal mastermind is on the loose.
Employees at Van Pelt Library have filed a report to the police stating that an unknown student has stolen five books from the library's "rare book" section.
Somehow, this student was able to evade all of the brilliant security measures in place at the library and escape with nearly thousands of dollars in books. It remains unknown how the student was able to open his bag and show its contents to a security guard, but still manage to steal the books.
“Our security guards are highly trained in the art of library-book-spotting,” a spokesperson from VP told UTB in an exclusive interview. “All it takes for them is one quick glance at a student’s open backpack to know if it contains any library books.”
For years, this brilliant system has managed to prevent any incidences of theft and malfeasance. The mandatory “bag-check" rule, which is rivaled in utility and importance only by the “take your laptop out of your bag at airport security” rule, has been noted by security organizations across the world for being one of the most intelligent and necessary security measures ever seen. This is the first incident in history in which the system has failed.
Moving forward, Van Pelt is planning to dramatically tighten its security measures. In the future, the library will mandate that students must, along with showing their bag, perform an interpretive dance to Kodak Black’s “Tunnel Vision” on their way out of the library. Library security guards believe that this new measure will help ensure that such a devastating incident never occurs again.
When asked whether it is possible that the thief simply just put the books in another pocket of his backpack, Van Pelt’s Chief Head Librarian responded, “What? No, there’s no way… um... no more questions.”
Law enforcement officials are currently on an active search for this dastardly fugitive. Anyone with information regarding the criminal’s whereabouts should contact the Van Pelt Library Penn Security Police force immediately.