Kasra Khadem


Articles

Watch Out: 28-Year-Old Senior Has Just Been on the Same CIS Waitlist for 7 Years

Albert Song (E '19) is just one credit away from graduating. He was also one credit away from graduating last year, the year before, and even back in 2011. No, he hasn't taken a gap decade. And no, he hasn't even left Penn. He has spent the past seven years of his life emailing professors, counting down until advance registration, and failing to get into CIS 518: Neural Deep Data Machine Intelligence—the only class that he needs to graduate.


Plot Twist: Guy Wearing Suit to Class is Not Recruiting, Just an Asshole

College junior Charles Richardson is an adamant opponent of Penn's recruiting culture. Regularly complaining about the detrimental effects of pre-professionalism and writing fiery Op-Eds on the matter, Richardson wants no part in the madness known as "On-Campus Recruitment." It is for this reason that many of his friends were shocked to witness Richardson entering class on Monday morning dressed head-to-toe in business formal (with a tie and everything).


Foodie Alert! Incoming Freshman Has Already Secured 5 Zahav Reservations

The early bird gets the worm! Or in this case, rather than a worm, Elizabeth Rogers (C '22) will be getting some Golden Beets and a Syrian Lamb Kabob.


Heartbreaking: "Serial Entrepreneur" Suffering Withdrawal After Not Starting a Fake Company in the Past Two Weeks

When he opened his first lemonade stand at the age of 4, Goldberg knew that he was bound to become a true business mogul. Within years, he had claimed to be the "CEO, Co-Founder, and President" of over a dozen companies.


Lonely Student at Penn Over the Summer BYOs Banana Leaf By Himself

One family of 4 reportedly witnessed him "slapping the bag by himself," and begging their 4 and 6-year old children to have a boat race with him.


Amy Wax Accepts New Job as General Counsel of Papa John's

"I think it will be a great fit," stated a spokesman from the company. "Professor Wax has shown to be a huge admirer of pizza in the past."


Intern From Ivy League University Holds Most Expensive Qualifications to Print and File Papers

"If he didn't get an A+ in his Advanced Quantum Computing course, there's no way we would have hired him to do this critical work for our organization."


Wow! This Frat Guy Who Played FIFA Once Knows More About the World Cup Than You!

Thomas, who has recently placed 3rd in a frat-wide FIFA tournament, harnessed his intellectual brilliance to memorize the names of as many soccer players as possible so that he could sound intelligent when discussing the World Cup.


BREAKING: Trump Selects Amy Wax as Supreme Court Pick

The two reportedly have a great deal in common, including their political views, their thoughts on the legal system, and the amount of minorities who actively support them. 


SHOCKING: Amy Gutmann Wearing "I Really Don't Care Do U?" Jacket While Visiting CAPS

Gutmann insisted that there was no hidden meaning behind the jacket. "It's a jacket. There was no message. Haven't you guys been getting my emails?!"


Following in UChicago’s Footsteps, Wharton Removes Stock Pitch From Application Requirements

"We're bullish on creativity and bearish on rigid requirements," remarked Frank Harris, Dean of Wharton Undergraduate Admissions. "We have realized that it is unfair to expect applicants to successfully walk us through a discounted cash flow analysis and a comparable companies analysis."


REPORT: 73% of Incoming Penn Freshmen Only Applied Because "Elon Musk Went There"

Incoming freshman Jeff Clarke (W '22) exclaimed that his idolization of Musk encouraged him to pursue the unbelievably original academic combination of Finance AND Computer Science.


Trump Cites "Way Too Many Fucking Canadians At Penn" As Reason For Strict New Tariffs

As hoards of cold-weather loving, OVO sweater-wearing Toronto Raptors fans continue to populate every crevice of Locust Walk, some wonder that these tariffs may have come a few Canadians too late. 


Wow! This Cool, Professional Summer Intern Wore a Satchel Instead of a Backpack!

On his first day of his new internship, rising Senior Carl Jefferson entered the office feeling perplexed. Accustomed to crowds of students wearing similar backpacks across campus, he was shocked to see a sudden disappearance of this accessory he had come to love and respect. 


Student Whose Dad Got Him Internship Thinks "Penn Students Are Way Too Privileged"

Victor Randal hates many things about Penn. Far too frequently, he can be spotted roaming campus and presenting his controversial opinions, regularly complaining about the privilege and entitlement amongst his peers. 


DP Opinion Columnist in Critical Condition After Suffering Burns From Flaming Hot Take

It is undeniable that being a journalist comes with its risks. DP Opinion Columnist Martina Salvatore became far too familiar with this reality earlier today, when she suffered third-degree burns from the unquenchable flames of her latest "hot take." 


Penn Professor Told His Students to 'Pursue Their Dreams' in Apparent Violation of U. Policy

Waters' alleged behavior directly violated University policy, which explicitly states that the encouragement of careers other than finance and consulting are prohibited.


Wow! College Alum Appointed Assistant Manager of a Dairy Queen in Connecticut

"This monumental accomplishment follows Goldberg's tenure as head line cook and associate dish washer."




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