Maybe he's related.... to the Huntsman family...... No, there's no way. It can't be...

He refused to tell me how he even entered my apartment and just told me that I need to "get the fuck out of here right now".

Following the grueling process of filling out repetitive Google forms and re-writing the same 250-word essay, James has faced a similar fate to countless applicants before her: cold rejection.

 4. "Pledging is Just Like the American Immigration Process!"

Meet the Penn senior who combines aromatic spices with dried fruits!

“This was our toughest dig yet,” noted Lee, who has conducted decade-long digs in Oman, Iraq, and Mongolia.

"This is fucking bullshit," remarked Perry as he scoured Airbnb to find a new home. "I built this entire establishment with my own bill and beavertail. Do these fuckers even know who I AM? My name is Agent Fucking P, and you'll be hearing from me in court."

Much to the chagrin of her husband, she appears to be scheming new gentrification initiatives left-and-right, most recently approving the development of a 4th high-rise in the small alcove where the local West Philadelphia rabbits reside.

A Message From President Gutmann University Notification: Request for a Lit Friday Night Amy Gutmann, President

Just wanted to reach out to offer you a formal invitation to join an exclusive club. Like, this is super legit. No no no, not Friars. I'm inviting you to join... my professional network.

"I just think that private enterprise is fundamentally corrupt," remarked Rogers, as he exited his first-class airplane seat returning from his interview which could have easily been conducted via Skype.

Ok, hear me out. I know it's a long-shot, but there's still a chance, I promise. Honestly, I'd even argue that she's the front-runner at this point. Only real political science gurus like myself can see behind CNN's veil of ignorance and understand that the real Democratic candidate in 2020 will be none other than Kamala Harris. 

In a highly awaited endorsement announcement, Luke from my Poly Sci 100 lecture has announced his support for Andrew Yang's 2020 presidential campaign. In a 3-minute speech viewed by hundreds in College Hall 200, as well as an impatient professor, Luke walked the entire class through his thought process and rationale for this decision.

Recruiting is rarely kind to anyone.

Oh, you're from South Jersey? Well, no one cares.

Wow! Talk about a superstar athlete.

In the past two years, Vishnevsky has received satisfactory ratings of 3.00 and 2.95 out of 4.00 on Penn Course Review, thus becoming the 56th highest rated TA at Penn.

Alvin McDavid (C '21), who is best known for having listened to the 2011 smash throwback hit Pumped Up Kicks "before it was mainstream," has just discovered a new musical masterpiece upon which he can base his entire social media presence—Brockhampton's Irridescence.

Hi! I'm a member of Penn Dems. Have you registered to vote? No? Oh, no worries, haha. It just happens to be the most important thing that you could ever possibly imagine doing. No biggie though!

US News reports that Penn used the word 79 times in their admissions packets, over 7 times more frequently of their nearest competitors. Berkeley came in second with 6, Duke with 5, followed by literally every Ivy League school with either 0 or 1 mentions of the word.