Kasra Khadem


Articles

Real-Life Sophie's Choice: Kristen Can't Choose Between Offers at Bain and McKinsey

Recruiting is rarely kind to anyone.


'Where in New Jersey Are You From?' and 3 Other Stupid Questions Only Penn Students Ask

Oh, you're from South Jersey? Well, no one cares.


BREAKING: Guy Wearing Lacrosse Hat, Shorts, Backpack, and Jacket on Lacrosse Team

Wow! Talk about a superstar athlete.


Wow! Meet the Remarkable Math 114 TA Who Only Slept Through Three of His Recitations!

In the past two years, Vishnevsky has received satisfactory ratings of 3.00 and 2.95 out of 4.00 on Penn Course Review, thus becoming the 56th highest rated TA at Penn.


Sophomore Mistakes Listening to New Brockhampton Album for Having Actual Personality

Alvin McDavid (C '21), who is best known for having listened to the 2011 smash throwback hit Pumped Up Kicks "before it was mainstream," has just discovered a new musical masterpiece upon which he can base his entire social media presence—Brockhampton's Irridescence.


OP-ED: Hi, I'm in Penn Dems and if You Don't Register to Vote I Will Literally Kidnap Your Grandma

Hi! I'm a member of Penn Dems. Have you registered to vote? No? Oh, no worries, haha. It just happens to be the most important thing that you could ever possibly imagine doing. No biggie though!


BREAKING: Penn Ranks #1 in Use of the Word 'Interdisciplinary' in Admissions Packets

US News reports that Penn used the word 79 times in their admissions packets, over 7 times more frequently of their nearest competitors. Berkeley came in second with 6, Duke with 5, followed by literally every Ivy League school with either 0 or 1 mentions of the word.


College Sophomore Transfers to Wharton After Selling Soul for $37.48 on Free & For Sale

Talk about resourcefulness!  Damian Joseph knows a thing or two about a bargain. In his apartment, he managed to get the bigger room by only offering to pay a few hundred dollars extra. And even just last week, he managed to get a Halal chicken over rice for $4, because "the guy knows him pretty well." Now, Joseph is combining his business acumen and love of bargaining to make the most impactful transaction of his life—the sale of his soul.


Watch Out: 28-Year-Old Senior Has Just Been on the Same CIS Waitlist for 7 Years

Albert Song (E '19) is just one credit away from graduating. He was also one credit away from graduating last year, the year before, and even back in 2011. No, he hasn't taken a gap decade. And no, he hasn't even left Penn. He has spent the past seven years of his life emailing professors, counting down until advance registration, and failing to get into CIS 518: Neural Deep Data Machine Intelligence—the only class that he needs to graduate.


Plot Twist: Guy Wearing Suit to Class is Not Recruiting, Just an Asshole

College junior Charles Richardson is an adamant opponent of Penn's recruiting culture. Regularly complaining about the detrimental effects of pre-professionalism and writing fiery Op-Eds on the matter, Richardson wants no part in the madness known as "On-Campus Recruitment." It is for this reason that many of his friends were shocked to witness Richardson entering class on Monday morning dressed head-to-toe in business formal (with a tie and everything).


Foodie Alert! Incoming Freshman Has Already Secured 5 Zahav Reservations

The early bird gets the worm! Or in this case, rather than a worm, Elizabeth Rogers (C '22) will be getting some Golden Beets and a Syrian Lamb Kabob.


Heartbreaking: "Serial Entrepreneur" Suffering Withdrawal After Not Starting a Fake Company in the Past Two Weeks

When he opened his first lemonade stand at the age of 4, Goldberg knew that he was bound to become a true business mogul. Within years, he had claimed to be the "CEO, Co-Founder, and President" of over a dozen companies.


Lonely Student at Penn Over the Summer BYOs Banana Leaf By Himself

One family of 4 reportedly witnessed him "slapping the bag by himself," and begging their 4 and 6-year old children to have a boat race with him.


Amy Wax Accepts New Job as General Counsel of Papa John's

"I think it will be a great fit," stated a spokesman from the company. "Professor Wax has shown to be a huge admirer of pizza in the past."


Intern From Ivy League University Holds Most Expensive Qualifications to Print and File Papers

"If he didn't get an A+ in his Advanced Quantum Computing course, there's no way we would have hired him to do this critical work for our organization."


Wow! This Frat Guy Who Played FIFA Once Knows More About the World Cup Than You!

Thomas, who has recently placed 3rd in a frat-wide FIFA tournament, harnessed his intellectual brilliance to memorize the names of as many soccer players as possible so that he could sound intelligent when discussing the World Cup.


BREAKING: Trump Selects Amy Wax as Supreme Court Pick

The two reportedly have a great deal in common, including their political views, their thoughts on the legal system, and the amount of minorities who actively support them. 


SHOCKING: Amy Gutmann Wearing "I Really Don't Care Do U?" Jacket While Visiting CAPS

Gutmann insisted that there was no hidden meaning behind the jacket. "It's a jacket. There was no message. Haven't you guys been getting my emails?!"


Following in UChicago’s Footsteps, Wharton Removes Stock Pitch From Application Requirements

"We're bullish on creativity and bearish on rigid requirements," remarked Frank Harris, Dean of Wharton Undergraduate Admissions. "We have realized that it is unfair to expect applicants to successfully walk us through a discounted cash flow analysis and a comparable companies analysis."


REPORT: 73% of Incoming Penn Freshmen Only Applied Because "Elon Musk Went There"

Incoming freshman Jeff Clarke (W '22) exclaimed that his idolization of Musk encouraged him to pursue the unbelievably original academic combination of Finance AND Computer Science.


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