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Amy Gutmann's Celery to Increase by 5 Percent in 2017


Pixabay / CC0 Public Domain

In a recent announcement, Penn's Board of Trustees revealed President Amy Gutmann's celery for 2017. The value of Gutmann's celery will be $3.5 million, a 5 percent increase from last year.

Academics and administrators point out that this is a record amount of money spent on any university president's celery. Harvard's president, for instance, receives less than $900,000 in celery annually. One assistant professor in the School of Arts and Sciences, who wished to remain anonymous, lambasted Gutmann's celery. "In a world where adjuncts have to scrape and scrounge for every bit of celery they can find, this is just ludicrous," she said.

The Board justified the high amount. "After all President Gutmann has done for Penn, we would be remiss in not offering her the freshest, most delicious vegetables possible. We want to keep her around for a while, you know?" chuckled the chairman of the board, slapping his knee. No one else laughed, possibly wondering for what purpose a university president could possibly need all that celery.

Students had mixed opinions. Some, like Aaron Nguyen (E '19), were clearly apathetic. "I really couldn't care less what kind of vegetables Amy Gutmann eats. I have CIS 120 homework due in 30 minutes. Please leave," he said. Members of Penn Vegan Society, on the other hand, see it as a positive step in promoting the importance of vegetables at Penn.

Still, most students consider Gutmann's celery excessive. "That celery going to her could have gone toward something more important," said Sharon Miller (W '18). When pressed about what this could be, Miller shrugged and fiddled with the zipper of her Canada Goose jacket. "I don't know. It could have been used to, like, feed homeless people or something."

We still have no clues into what exactly Gutmann does to earn her celery or what she does with so much of it. The real question is whether Gutmann receives the celery in a lump sum, which would be difficult to preserve, or in smaller payments throughout the year.