BREAKING: Amy Gutmann's Refusal to Shake Princeton President’s Hand is All a Big Misunderstanding
March 23, 2017 at 11:35 am
“It all got terribly out of hand,” Gutmann said as she brainstormed puns that have to do with hands. This past Friday, President Gutmann had a meeting with Princeton President Christopher L. Eisgruber. As the two were posing for pictures, video footage revealed various photographers requested that the two shake hands, in addition to President Eisgruber himself asking to shake hands. However, Gutmann kept her hands firmly by her side and did not acknowledge the requests for a handshake.
Immediately following the encounter, various fake news sources on campus attempted to make the event into a scandal. However, Under the Button dot com was not so quick to make assumptions. We went directly to the source - Amy Gutmann’s new Handshake Taskforce.
After speaking with multiple representatives, we were finally able to get ahold of Gutmann herself. She explained the reasoning behind what is now commonly referred to as Handshake-gate: “Right before my meeting, I was super bored and the only thing I had to occupy myself was a pen I found on the floor. So, I did a M.A.S.H. on my hand to find out who I’m gonna marry, where I’m gonna live, you know, all that good stuff. It’s not as fun now as it was in middle school because I pretty much always end up with a downgrade of my current life, but it was better than doing nothing. After I finished the game I tried to spit on my hand and rub the ink off, but I guess it was a permanent marker. Honestly I was just doing President Eisgruber a favor - who wants to have inky spit on their hand?” (UTB can relate - we recently published an investigative story on a freshman whose hands “aren’t sweaty,” he “just washed them recently.”)
After we heard the real story from Gutmann, we were relieved that the truth had finally come out. And besides, we’ve gotta hand it to Amy - she handled the situation with a lot of grace.