Class Board Candidate Arrested After Breaking Into Dorm Rooms at 4 AM to Solicit Votes

It’s that time of year again.

As students are being harassed on Locust twice as much as usual and being emailed via listservs they never knew they had joined, candidates are going out of their way to campaign for positions on Penn’s Student Government. Frank Smith, a freshman running for re-election in the Class Board elections, has been a particularly notable example.

Earlier today, Smith was arrested by Penn Police for breaking into people’s bedrooms in the Quad at 4 in the morning in an aggressive attempt to solicit votes from apathetic freshmen. Numerous witnesses claim to have seen Smith using his enormous stack of flyers as a tool to ram into doors and break them open.

“Well, I initially tried just knocking on their doors, but they wouldn’t answer,” Smith says. “Then I messaged them on Facebook, called their cell phones, sent them an email, created a private GroupMe chat, sent them a Snapchat, tagged them in an Instagram photo, and  called their parents, but none of that seemed to work either. So naturally, I had to find a way to talk to these students face-to-face.”

Engineering freshman Alexander Stanczak filed a complaint against Smith after he was awoken in the middle of the night by “some crazy guy rambling about mental health and longer cafeteria hours.” Stanczak claims that Smith is “the most annoying guy” he has ever met, and that he “would rather vote for a squirrel than for this lunatic.”

Unfortunately, this is not the first time that Smith has taken extreme measures in his campaigning for the Class Board elections. While he started out just writing his name in chalk all over campus, he realized that more direct action was necessary after rain washed away all his chalk advertisements. Just two days ago, Smith was spotted at 1920s Commons stealing people’s food and replacing their plates with a laptop, forcing them to vote for him in order to get their food back.

In spite of these extreme actions, Smith claims that his aggressive behavior is just his way of trying to get to know everyone in the class as well as he can. “I’ve done so much to try to really become closer with everyone in the student body,” Smith says. I’ve talked to them on their way to class, I’ve handed them flyers as they’ve left the bathroom, and I’ve even added everyone in the class on Facebook! If having 3,500 Facebook friends doesn’t show how much I care about making meaningful connections, then I don’t know what does.”

Despite the fact that some of his behavior may be excessive and borderline illegal, Smith claims that his actions are necessary for him to be able to compete with the other candidates and to truly show his love for Penn. “One guy dyed his pubes red and blue, and another guy claims that he literally hooked up with Ben Franklin! How am I supposed to compete with that?!”

Although he has already been on Class Board for this past year, Smith says he is not ready to leave yet. “I couldn’t imagine my life without Class Board,” Smith says. “You know that you’ve truly had an impact on people’s lives when you plan events that 4, maybe even 5 people attend.”

Aside from the sheer crowds of people that attend Class Board events, Smith is also motivated by all of the benefits that the Class Board brings to the Penn community. “I think I speak for everyone at Penn when I say that the university would truly be a miserable place without occasional mug giveaways and Harry Potter themed shirts.”

When we informed Smith that he is no longer in high school and that being a member of student government will not help him get into college, he stared at us with a blank expression for 15 minutes, and then proceeded to run around campus yelling “Mental health! I support mental health!”

In response to Smith’s intrusions of privacy and his ethically questionable actions, the NEC is reportedly planning a formal hearing to investigate the legality of his campaigning tactics. This hearing, which has been rumored to include 3 Supreme Court justices, a full jury, and an appearance from OJ Simpson, is scheduled to take place over the course of the next 7 months and will cost over $4 million. Of course, no expenses must be spared for an issue pertaining to something so significant and meaningful as Class Board elections.

We wish the best for Mr. Smith as he approaches the date of his hearing. Hopefully, the rain that washed away his chalk will never wash away his spirit.