With Help of Russian Hackers, Jon Huntsman Jr. Can Finally Reserve GSRs
March 14, 2017 at 5:15 pm
In shocking news this week, Jon M. Huntsman, Jr. (C ’87), the son of some random guy who probably donated a lot of money to Penn, has been appointed as the U.S. Ambassador to Russia.
For many, this news came as a surprise. It seemed odd that someone who doesn't appear to like Trump whatsoever would now be willing to work under the new President. However, we at UTB have received exclusive information that has allowed us to uncover Jon Huntsman's true motive…. the ability to reserve Huntsman GSRs.
A graduate of the College of Arts and Sciences, Huntsman always felt like he was living in the shadow of the elite Whartonites. For years, he was shunned and ridiculed as he wasn’t allowed to reserve rooms in a building that was named after his very own father. Despite countless pleas to his father and the Penn administration, no one was willing to undermine the prestige of The Wharton School by allowing mere College students to reserve the sacred group study rooms. Shunned to the Van Pelt study rooms, Huntsman has sought revenge ever since.
“Now, things are going to be different,” Huntsman assured. “Me, Vladimir, and Trump have created a great deal. We’re going to be super nice to our friends up in Russia, and in return, they’re gonna help me reserve GSRs! It’s a win-win!”
Previously the Governor of Utah and the U.S. Ambassador to China, Huntsman has failed to succeed in his mission through any of these roles. “The Mormons were completely useless,” he said, “ and the Chinese were decent hackers, but not nearly good enough to infiltrate Wharton’s elaborate system.”
“I know that the Russian hackers specialize in election-based projects, but I’m sure they’ll be able to pull this off! My buds Sergei and Rudolph have got my back.”
We wish the best for Mr. Huntsman, and hope he enjoys his newfound freedom. Maybe one day, even nursing students will be allowed to reserve GSRs too.