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Crime Log: September 21-26


Artwork by MJ Kang

Unknown Crime

Sep 23: The police know that a crime occurred, and they know who did it. They just can't figure out what the crime was. If anyone knows what the crime was, please contact Penn Police.


Sep 25: Numerous local halal food trucks began charging $6 instead of $5 for chicken over rice, knowing full well that their customers would cough up the extra buck.


Sep 21: A student reported himself kidnapped when his Uber driver made one wrong turn. The driver claimed the incident was a misunderstanding, and that his phone sent him the wrong way. Police believed him when they saw that his phone is an Android.


Sep 25: Under the Button posted an article about Sophie that wasn't true, at ALL. Sophie isn't the one who's acting weird; it's actually her roommate who is LITERALLY a CRAZY person. People forget to fill up Britas ALL the time.


Sep 22: In a club interview, one student claimed that he had "extensive" knowledge of Microsoft Office. When pressed, he was unable to perform even basic functions in Excel, although he was pretty good at Word. His response was under oath, because clubs take themselves incredibly seriously here.