OP-ED: My Dad Runs Monsanto, but Don't Give Me Any Special Treatment

Let’s just address the elephant in the room: my dad runs Monsanto.

Honestly, I do my best not to bring it up, but people always ask leading questions like “Hey Sarah, what does your dad do?” or “Hey Sarah, why do you carry around that large jug of Agent Orange pesticide left over from the Vietnam war?” or “Hey Sarah, what was the homework yesterday?” And it's like, what else am I supposed to say?

Yes, my dad is verified on twitter, and yes, I am the heir to world’s largest monopoly on the cotton industry, and YES my mom is actually a mutant strain of alfalfa sprout, but I’m tired of people treating me as if I’m different.

Here are a few things I’d like to clear up:

1. I take environmental studies classes because I CARE about the Earth. So what if I make a few clarifications here and there, like how pesticides definitely don’t kill bees?? Free speech.
2. I had nothing to do with the recent string of break-ins at Whole Foods. To be honest, I think those GMO labels fell off on their own.
3. I cannot get a lobbyist to come help you with your OIDD homework. My Dad (who runs Monsanto) just acquired the water rights to the Hawaiian Islands, so they’re a little busy.
4. I’m not going to get offended if you want organic fruit, but I’m just saying it doesn’t really make sense that you are okay with eating disgusting stuff like dirt and bugs just because pesticide usage might be linked to cancer and reproductive health problems. I don’t get it.

So for real guys, don’t give me weird looks the next time I spray DDT down Locust Walk. I’m just a normal college student (whose dad runs Monsanto).