Elizabeth Beugg


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Kawaii Story

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Comedic Genius Calls Wharton Student a Snake

Lenny Kravetz (C ‘22) entered college without a sense of direction.


Evacuate the Dance Floor: I Want to Listen to '20 Something' by Sza Alone in the Middle of This Frat Party

Thanks especially to the brothers of Gamma Rho Kappa Kappa Upsilon Phi Beta Beta Beta for putting on this shindig—it’s been a blast.


OP-ED: I Don’t Care About Romance I Care About Platform Sandals

Listen up. I literally do not care who you are or what your name is. 


7-Year Dental Student Forgets to Floss, Expelled

Alex Wang, a junior in Penn’s accelerated dental program, just made a career-ending mistake.


Climate Change is Going to Kill Us All in 15 Years—Who's Tryna Fuck?

The UN says climate genocide is upon us—who here is tryna fuck?


BREAKING: Lindsay to Study Abroad in London

Did you hear? Lindsay is studying abroad in London next spring. She is so excited, but will miss her friends so much! The FOMO is real, haha. 


Penn Anti-Vax Club Working to Single-Handedly Bring Back Polio

In the coming months, Parker has made it the club’s goal to bring back Polio, a virus that has been eradicated in the U.S. through vaccination. With his graduation date on the horizon, Parker says it is now or never.


Student Claims Houston Hall Renovation Not Fancy Enough, Needs Swimming Pool

It’s never enough: College sophomore Jared Rivkin was extremely disappointed in the Houston Hall renovations unveiled this fall. “15.5 million dollars and not one swimming pool in sight,” Rivkin said. “I just don’t get it.”


Gutmann Plans to Bulldoze Plaza on 38th and Chestnut to Build New New College House West North

Goodbye Koreana, hello Second Year Experience! After announcing mandatory on-campus living for all sophomores beginning in 2021, Gutmann has made moves to open yet another dorm—New New College House West North.


Wharton School Ranks #1 Charitable Cause Amongst Wharton Grads

A study from the Wharton Behavioral Lab released today concluded that the Wharton School is the most popular charitable cause amongst Wharton graduates. Many Wharton grads cited charitable donation as “at odds” with their strong capitalist values, saying it would likely be better for those less fortunate to “figure it out for themselves.” Donating to their alma mater, however, appears to be the happy medium. 


Girl Who Did Gap Year at Le Cordon Bleu Now Only Eats Lunchables

While most students dread icebreakers, College sophomore Melanie Rosenthal has a fun fact that is hard to beat. After learning of her acceptance to Penn, Rosenthal decided to take a year off to explore her passion for cooking. One year later, she entered her freshman fall with a degree from the famed cooking school, Le Cordon Bleu.


How to Organize a BYO When You Are a Shell of a Human Being

Social chairs look no further—here’s how to plan a BYO when you haven’t slept since August and your phone autocorrects "dirty" to "darty."


Junior Rejected from Club Wants to Start the Conversation on Ageism

Last week College junior Emma Bentley received news that she would not be invited to join the Penn Ikea Furniture Building Club. “I’ve always been a passionate builder—no—assembler. It was time to take the next step and move beyond my solo work,” said Bentley.


Freshman Excited to Live on His Own Won’t Do Laundry Until Fall Break

Ah, NSO. The sweet smell of freedom in the air. No parents, no rules, no repercussions for public intoxication. We met up with a particularly eager Wharton freshman, Aaron Abramovitz, who reflected on this new stage of life. 



Boy Obsessed with Catcher in the Rye Thinks All His Friends Are Fake as Fuck

Notable loner and College sophomore Harrison Shawfield was spotted last Monday smoking a cigarette outside Saxbys during a torrential downpour. “Have you ever noticed how fake people are?” Shawfield inquired after beckoning us over through the curtain of rain.


Wow! This Cool and Alternative Student Thinks There Are Too Many Starbucks On Campus

“There are too many Starbucks shops on campus,” Alms said boldly. “It came to me in a dream—this thought. While everyone else is out there following the herd, mobile ordering their Caramel Macchiatos, I’ll be out here alone, in search of something better.”



Girl Scrolling on Phone in Bedroom Forced to Get Up, Go to Class, Scroll on Phone in Lecture

College sophomore Leila Michaels got a taste of reality while browsing her social media feeds last Wednesday. At 10:48 a.m.


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