Elizabeth Beugg


Rachel Van Pelt Condemns Participants in College Bribery Scandal

1.2 million dollars wasted in bribes — just think. We could have had another library.

Letter from the Editor: Sorry Suckers, I’m a White Man Now

Formerly a self-critical and empathetic female, I’ve decided to publicly inform you all that I’ve changed since assuming my role as Editor-in-chief of Under the Button.

Kendall Jenner Rejected From Smokes, Forced to Go to City Tap House

Though Jenner swore Tap House was her bar of choice, the hoards of Penn students waiting in line for Smokey Joe’s infamous “sink or swim” confirmed otherwise. 

Uh Oh! Your Spotify Wrapped Says You Spent 94,564 Minutes Being a Basic Bitch

OMG. The Spotify Wrapped 2018 results are in — you spent 94,564 minutes being basic as hell this year!

OP-ED: Can Campus Apartments Get Me a New Lease on Life?

This year, however, I cannot be fulfilled by a five-bedroom on Baltimore. Having a roof over your head is great, but what I really need right now is the chance to start anew.

OP-ED: Yes, I Have Never Been Single. No, I Did Not Have a Traumatic Childhood

 I was hanging out with my girlfriend Katie. No, no, not Katie Smith — we broke up last month.

Kawaii Story

٩(◕‿◕。)۶ ( ◡‿◡ *)*:・゚✧*:・゚*:・゚✧*:・゚:・゚✧*:・゚*:

Comedic Genius Calls Wharton Student a Snake

Lenny Kravetz (C ‘22) entered college without a sense of direction.

Evacuate the Dance Floor: I Want to Listen to '20 Something' by Sza Alone in the Middle of This Frat Party

Thanks especially to the brothers of Gamma Rho Kappa Kappa Upsilon Phi Beta Beta Beta for putting on this shindig—it’s been a blast.

OP-ED: I Don’t Care About Romance I Care About Platform Sandals

Listen up. I literally do not care who you are or what your name is. 

7-Year Dental Student Forgets to Floss, Expelled

Alex Wang, a junior in Penn’s accelerated dental program, just made a career-ending mistake.

Climate Change is Going to Kill Us All in 15 Years—Who's Tryna Fuck?

The UN says climate genocide is upon us—who here is tryna fuck?

BREAKING: Lindsay to Study Abroad in London

Did you hear? Lindsay is studying abroad in London next spring. She is so excited, but will miss her friends so much! The FOMO is real, haha. 

Penn Anti-Vax Club Working to Single-Handedly Bring Back Polio

In the coming months, Parker has made it the club’s goal to bring back Polio, a virus that has been eradicated in the U.S. through vaccination. With his graduation date on the horizon, Parker says it is now or never.

Student Claims Houston Hall Renovation Not Fancy Enough, Needs Swimming Pool

It’s never enough: College sophomore Jared Rivkin was extremely disappointed in the Houston Hall renovations unveiled this fall. “15.5 million dollars and not one swimming pool in sight,” Rivkin said. “I just don’t get it.”

Gutmann Plans to Bulldoze Plaza on 38th and Chestnut to Build New New College House West North

Goodbye Koreana, hello Second Year Experience! After announcing mandatory on-campus living for all sophomores beginning in 2021, Gutmann has made moves to open yet another dorm—New New College House West North.

Wharton School Ranks #1 Charitable Cause Amongst Wharton Grads

A study from the Wharton Behavioral Lab released today concluded that the Wharton School is the most popular charitable cause amongst Wharton graduates. Many Wharton grads cited charitable donation as “at odds” with their strong capitalist values, saying it would likely be better for those less fortunate to “figure it out for themselves.” Donating to their alma mater, however, appears to be the happy medium. 

Girl Who Did Gap Year at Le Cordon Bleu Now Only Eats Lunchables

While most students dread icebreakers, College sophomore Melanie Rosenthal has a fun fact that is hard to beat. After learning of her acceptance to Penn, Rosenthal decided to take a year off to explore her passion for cooking. One year later, she entered her freshman fall with a degree from the famed cooking school, Le Cordon Bleu.

How to Organize a BYO When You Are a Shell of a Human Being

Social chairs look no further—here’s how to plan a BYO when you haven’t slept since August and your phone autocorrects "dirty" to "darty."

Junior Rejected from Club Wants to Start the Conversation on Ageism

Last week College junior Emma Bentley received news that she would not be invited to join the Penn Ikea Furniture Building Club. “I’ve always been a passionate builder—no—assembler. It was time to take the next step and move beyond my solo work,” said Bentley.