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Guy Who Just Did Coke Off a Toilet Seat at a Bar: Don't Drink Philly Tap Water


Photo by U.S. Air Force / Public Domain

Just moments after railing an almost-certainly unsafe amount of cocaine off the seat of a toilet in the bathroom of a local bar, Wharton junior Max Ansano embarked on a rant to a friend about how unsafe Philadelphia tap water is.

"You just don't know what's in it or where it's coming from," Ansano declared, despite having just consumed an inordinate amount of untested white powder, which could potentially contain any number of additives or dangerous substances. "It has to go through so many different pipes to get to your faucet," he insisted, blind to the filth that coated the dollar bill he'd rolled up to snort the cocaine, "and by that time it's definitely gathered some heavy metals or contaminants," he continued, with no knowledge of the path his cocaine took from its unknown origin to the fifth-year senior he bought it from, nor of what was added along the way.

The main argument between Ansano and his friend was about whether or not it is necessary to use a Brita filter. His friend claimed he had read about no significant benefits; Ansano disagreed.

"Whatever you can do, whatever steps you can take, to make yourself healthier and to avoid ingesting dangerous things, it's worthwhile," Ansano offered, still very much feeling the cocaine in his system. "A Brita is a small price to pay, but honestly there should be no shame in exclusively drinking bottled water, either. If you have to give up Philly water entirely, at significant cost and inconvenience to you, it's worth it," he continued, with no intention of giving up cocaine. 

Ansano was confident that lead in Philadelphia water "makes you dumber," willfully ignoring the significant long-term effects of frequent cocaine use on the body and brain, not to mention the dangers posed by his occasional whippets or more-than-occasional abuse of prescription drugs.

It's not just water that's an issue, Ansano said, but also emissions along city streets. Walking near where cars drive, he told UTB, can significantly increase one's risk of developing dementia later in life due to heavy metals in the air. He then downed three vodka shots and headed outside to smoke half a pack of cigarettes and get concussed after picking a fight with a much larger man.