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University Unveils 6-Second Lectures to Counter Dwindling Student Attention Spans


Photo by Xbxg32000 / CC A-SA 3.0 (edited)

While some attempts to connect with students have been more successful than others, today University officials have announced a totally revamped plan to connect with students who were too impatient to stand still on College Green for 90 seconds and listen to a lecture from a Penn professor.

The University is seeking to use the format of the now defunct Vine platform to produce #relatable content for the newest generation of students. “In the past we’ve tried to increase student engagement by having professors maintain Livejournals or sending out AIM messages on cool new global developments, but shockingly students haven’t ever really responded,” a dejected member of the College administration told us as he surfed GeoCities pages and updated his MySpace profile.

Reactions to this new announcement have been mixed at best. “I really hated the old 60 second lecture format but Vin-... wait, what were we talking about?” Blaine Roberts (C’21) told us in a statement, distracted by a leaf falling from a tree 40 feet away.

Content for upcoming videos include a Linguistics Professor pronouncing the word “Smorgasbord” 12 times in a row really fast, an Environmental Studies professor licking different types of rocks, and a History Professor reading the autobiography of Winston Churchill while eating a piece of cake without utensils.