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BREAKING: Off-Campus Beer Pong Matches Now Require Professional Referees


Picture by Laura LaRose / CC BY-2.0

Despite Penn Police having consistently enforced the task force's new set of guidelines, the university has just announced yet another regulation restricting off-campus events. 

According to the new policies, the referees will be required to monitor every aspect of beer pong matches, closely examining elbows behind tables, amount of beer in cups, and trick shot mechanics.

Students will be required to book these referees 7 weeks in advance. Tournament matches will also require 2 linesmen, a timekeeper, a scorekeeper, and university-approved cheerleaders.

The referees will be following guidelines laid out in a 450-page rule book, written by Amy Gutmann herself. Players who fail to meet the requirements set forth by the rulebook will be promptly kicked out of the event by the referees, and may even face expulsion from the university.

According to the university, this policy is "absolutely necessary" to make off-campus events more safe. 

“There is nothing more hazardous than an unregulated beer pong match,” a spokesman for the university said. “How are students supposed to be safe if anyone can just move their elbow wherever they like? If they play without fire, or if they don't respect the bitch cup?"

Referee Mike Johansson is one of the few people excited about this new policy. “I’ve been waiting for my big break for the longest time,” he exclaimed. “Now, I can referee at what used to be Playboy’s top party school in the nation. Dreams really do come true.”