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Intro Biology Class Plunges Into Chaos After Professor Drops Course


Photo by xbxg32000 / CC-ASA-3.0, Erin Silversmith / CC0 (with edits)

The drop period ended at midnight on Monday, and one class member’s last-minute departure has hit an introductory biology lecture particularly hard. The course’s professor, Dr. David Abelson, decided to drop, explaining that the class “failed to match his interests” and “was stupid.” However, the sudden move left a power vacuum that has yet to be securely filled.

“It’s Lord of the Drosophila in here,” commented one student, much too excited about his niche and mediocre joke. “The moment we arrived to class, a few students began competing viciously for power. You know how those pre-meds get.”

The students fought gruesomely for a position at the lectern, believing that if they were successful they could raise their own grades and lower those of others. One contender cited a desire to put a leadership position on his medical school application.

According to witnesses, the TAs attempted to maintain at least a shred of power—threatening to lower the grades of any mutineers—but were quickly overpowered and deposed. “They have no power anymore,” laughed current Lord of Biology Jeremy Baldwin (C ’20). “It’s time we placed the responsibility in the hands of the students.” 

When asked if that meant he would be teaching the class, Baldwin laughed again, saying if he knew biology he wouldn’t have taken the class, dumbass.

The University has yet to intervene, but the Biology department stated the class is learning a valuable lesson in natural selection.