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Seth Fein


Articles

Group Meeting in Shambles After David Leaves for the Weekend

Attempts to reschedule the meeting have not proceeded smoothly. Lin has an exam on Wednesday, so she can’t spare any time before then for some reason, and reports that the other group member can’t meet anytime other than 1:30-2:00 A.M. on February 3rd, 2020.


Grandparents Brag That Precious Jacob Is Eligible for Advanced Registration at Penn

The grandparents of Jacob Fitzman (C ’23) gleamed with pride when their precious grandson informed them that he was currently participating in advanced registration for Spring classes. In only a matter of minutes, the entire Fitzman family had received calls to hear the news.



Louder Repetition of Joke Confirms Brad Not Funny

“Factor? I barely know her!” After receiving no audible response, he boldly tried again, this time louder for the whole class to hear.


Kind of Weird: Freshman Already Knows He Wants to Be a Urologist

Last Thursday night, in a discussion about plans for the future among his hall, Perry Yates (C ’23) of Dayton, Ohio confidently declared that he was pursuing a career in urology. Other students expressed interest in finance or social work, but Yates seemed to be dead set on urology. Hm. Kind of weird.


OP-ED: Here’s a Sex-Related Editorial Based on My Own Experience with Sex, Which I’ve Had and Continue to Have on a Regular Basis

The first night of NSO my freshman year, I went to a hot, sweaty frat party. Then, I had sex with someone I met at that party. I had sex with that person because they found me attractive, and this person was not alone. 


OP-ED: Include Amy Gutmann’s House in the Second-Year Experience

A select group of high-achieving, outgoing, white, male second years would be selected to board with Gutmann and her husband in their 13,975 square-foot house on Walnut. This would allow Gutmann to show solidarity with the sophomores, who must now overpay for a shared room with a hotel kitchenette.


Top 5 Cool Philly Bars to Pretend You’ve Been to

Located in a converted bar, this place has it all: beer, wine. Sometimes people. But that doesn't really matter because you're not going to go.


Invasive Species Alert: Please Kill Anyone You See Biking on the Sidewalk

The sidewalk biker is especially devastating to urban areas, disrupting pedestrian flow and increasing the risk of getting your foot run over on the way to class.


Male Professor Talks About Sports

The five-minute conversation consisted of Reed playfully arguing with the four male students in the front row while the rest of the class watched.


Gotta Tell 'Em: Your Friend's Band Is Just a Worse Version of the Strokes

Hm, you think. This sounds familiar, and they're not very good.


Penn Reiterates Medium-Tolerance Policy on Racism

"We do not believe that Wax's opinions exceed our threshold for racist beliefs held and expressed publicly by faculty," the Administration stated.


Oh Fuck: Exam Is Cumulative

You haven’t even glanced at that material since the night before the first midterm. Hell, you haven’t glanced at the new material either, so now you’re doubly screwed. 


Police Finally Catch Man Releasing Birds into 30th St. Station

The arrest led to the discovery of 400 birds in basement of the suspect’s University City home, along with a map of 30th street station covered in red X’s, noting the spots at which birds have been released.


Sad: This Girl Needs Drake to Release a New Song Because She’s out of Instagram Captions

Of course, Reynolds could use another artist’s lyrics, or even come up with her own witty phrase, but she has become so used to looking up Drake verses for each post that she can no longer form an original thought.


President of Penn Democrats Declares Bid for Presidency, Citing 'Issues' and 'Problems'

His public announcement on Locust — difficult to hear over four adjacent a cappella groups blasting music and selling tickets — was received with moderate enthusiasm by his friends. “We’ve got to fix what’s going on,” he said candidly. “Why is it so hard to get Magic Gardens tickets? I think there’s some conspiracy.”


DOJ to Investigate Admission of Swim Team Athlete Wearing Floaties

After indicting former Penn Basketball coach Jerome Allen for accepting bribes to recruit a student, the Department of Justice set their sights on another case, this one involving Tate Dentworth (W '20), the only member of the men’s swim team who wears flotation devices when competing.


Spring Break Group Who Forgot to Plan Trip Ahead Arrives at Fifth Museum of the Day

“We don’t really know where to go, but I love German art. We’re big museum guys. This is great,” he lied. The group plans to tour the Berlin nightlife, but has only a faint understanding of the club scene.


Only Cockroaches and Engineering Student Wearing T-Shirt in 20-Degree Weather Will Survive Nuclear Holocaust

We have yet to determine to what extent, if any, they feel pain.


Brave: Senior Drinks Multiple Times a Week Despite Deteriorating Physical Health

While most research suggests that consuming alcohol in any amount is detrimental to a person’s health, Adkins feels it’s her duty to make the most of college, be it in the form of tequila on Tuesdays, Sink or Swim on Wednesdays, or drinking her weight on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. 


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