Seth Fein


DOJ to Investigate Admission of Swim Team Athlete Wearing Floaties

After indicting former Penn Basketball coach Jerome Allen for accepting bribes to recruit a student, the Department of Justice set their sights on another case, this one involving Tate Dentworth (W '20), the only member of the men’s swim team who wears flotation devices when competing.

Spring Break Group Who Forgot to Plan Trip Ahead Arrives at Fifth Museum of the Day

“We don’t really know where to go, but I love German art. We’re big museum guys. This is great,” he lied. The group plans to tour the Berlin nightlife, but has only a faint understanding of the club scene.

Only Cockroaches and Engineering Student Wearing T-Shirt in 20-Degree Weather Will Survive Nuclear Holocaust

We have yet to determine to what extent, if any, they feel pain.

Brave: Senior Drinks Multiple Times a Week Despite Deteriorating Physical Health

While most research suggests that consuming alcohol in any amount is detrimental to a person’s health, Adkins feels it’s her duty to make the most of college, be it in the form of tequila on Tuesdays, Sink or Swim on Wednesdays, or drinking her weight on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. 

Junior Snags Coveted NYC Alleyway for Summer Housing

Trash pickup is conveniently close, utilities are free, and pets are not only allowed but also included with the lease.

Ja Rule Hired by SPEC to Deliver Bahamian Fling

Ja Rule simply stated that Fling 2019 will be "Fyre."

Report: 90% of US Population Will be Consulting for Each Other by 2030

The sheer number of consultants working in ten years will necessitate that they work for each other.

Course Evaluations from 2005 Almost Fully Reviewed, Changes Incoming

According to this statement, the roughly 40,000 evaluations were assigned to Steven Fitzgerald, a former student intern at Penn’s Center for Teaching and Learning. 

Smokes Hosts 21st Birthday Celebration for 3-Year Regular

No longer would she have to fret as the bouncers inspected her fake, which they would hold up to the light while they asked for the capital of Delaware.

Penn Agrees to Pay Elves Who Manually Coordinate Course Registration $15 an Hour

Progressives around campus are applauding Penn for finally agreeing to compensate the elves who manually coordinate course registration with $15 an hour for their work.

Study: Extent of Students' Activism Directly Equivalent to How Much They Post on Facebook

The findings support previous research which concluded that students value “clout” roughly 10 times more than social impact.

Poli Sci 001 Student Fucking Pumped to Scream Political Theory at Family During Thanksgiving

"Just wait until I bust out John Locke’s social contract theory after Uncle Jeffrey tries to argue about illegal immigration."

Freshman Realizing Signing Year-Long Lease with Essential Strangers Might Have Been a Bit Hasty

“There was a lot of pressure to sign the lease before November,” Rodriguez said.

Student Voter Turnout at Record Low After Postmates Discontinues Ballot Delivery

The service would pick up and drop off ballots for students for only $9.99, traveling distances as far as 0.2 miles (the furthest any student is from a polling location).

Thoughtful Roommate Leaves Dirty Pan Out for Next User

Local hero Dana Klein (C ’20) had both the environment and her roommate’s wellbeing in mind last Thursday when she left her dirty pan on the stove after cooking a somehow-burnt batch of scrambled eggs.

OP-ED: Please Send Me Your Answers to the Homework (So I Can Compare)

Hey, friend. I see you’ve finished the problem set due tomorrow.

Embarrassing: Over Half of Penn English Majors Can’t Spell 'Schuylkill'

A recent survey conducted by the Penn English Department found that over half of their undergraduate majors could not spell “Schuylkill,” a finding which calls into question the quality of education English majors receive at the school.

McAvocado Toast Last Nail in Gentrification Coffin

Like if you didn't McSee that one coming!

College of Arts and Sciences Receives Generous Donation of 1995 Windows PC

In an unprecedented display of charity, an anonymous donor has gifted the College of Arts and Sciences a 23-year-old Windows computer—the largest gift in the school’s history.

Dudes at Pregame Really Impressing Everyone by Drinking Night Before Exam

Constantly reminding all those in attendance of his impending midterm, Wharton junior Daniel Evans was the star of the pregame last Thursday, dazzling peers with his incredible display of courage, mental fortitude, and clear-cut decision making.