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Seth Fein


Articles

Penn Reiterates Medium-Tolerance Policy on Racism

"We do not believe that Wax's opinions exceed our threshold for racist beliefs held and expressed publicly by faculty," the Administration stated.


Oh Fuck: Exam Is Cumulative

You haven’t even glanced at that material since the night before the first midterm. Hell, you haven’t glanced at the new material either, so now you’re doubly screwed. 


Police Finally Catch Man Releasing Birds into 30th St. Station

The arrest led to the discovery of 400 birds in basement of the suspect’s University City home, along with a map of 30th street station covered in red X’s, noting the spots at which birds have been released.


Sad: This Girl Needs Drake to Release a New Song Because She’s out of Instagram Captions

Of course, Reynolds could use another artist’s lyrics, or even come up with her own witty phrase, but she has become so used to looking up Drake verses for each post that she can no longer form an original thought.


President of Penn Democrats Declares Bid for Presidency, Citing 'Issues' and 'Problems'

His public announcement on Locust — difficult to hear over four adjacent a cappella groups blasting music and selling tickets — was received with moderate enthusiasm by his friends. “We’ve got to fix what’s going on,” he said candidly. “Why is it so hard to get Magic Gardens tickets? I think there’s some conspiracy.”


DOJ to Investigate Admission of Swim Team Athlete Wearing Floaties

After indicting former Penn Basketball coach Jerome Allen for accepting bribes to recruit a student, the Department of Justice set their sights on another case, this one involving Tate Dentworth (W '20), the only member of the men’s swim team who wears flotation devices when competing.


Spring Break Group Who Forgot to Plan Trip Ahead Arrives at Fifth Museum of the Day

“We don’t really know where to go, but I love German art. We’re big museum guys. This is great,” he lied. The group plans to tour the Berlin nightlife, but has only a faint understanding of the club scene.


Only Cockroaches and Engineering Student Wearing T-Shirt in 20-Degree Weather Will Survive Nuclear Holocaust

We have yet to determine to what extent, if any, they feel pain.


Brave: Senior Drinks Multiple Times a Week Despite Deteriorating Physical Health

While most research suggests that consuming alcohol in any amount is detrimental to a person’s health, Adkins feels it’s her duty to make the most of college, be it in the form of tequila on Tuesdays, Sink or Swim on Wednesdays, or drinking her weight on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. 


Junior Snags Coveted NYC Alleyway for Summer Housing

Trash pickup is conveniently close, utilities are free, and pets are not only allowed but also included with the lease.


Ja Rule Hired by SPEC to Deliver Bahamian Fling

Ja Rule simply stated that Fling 2019 will be "Fyre."


Report: 90% of US Population Will be Consulting for Each Other by 2030

The sheer number of consultants working in ten years will necessitate that they work for each other.


Course Evaluations from 2005 Almost Fully Reviewed, Changes Incoming

According to this statement, the roughly 40,000 evaluations were assigned to Steven Fitzgerald, a former student intern at Penn’s Center for Teaching and Learning. 


Smokes Hosts 21st Birthday Celebration for 3-Year Regular

No longer would she have to fret as the bouncers inspected her fake, which they would hold up to the light while they asked for the capital of Delaware.


Penn Agrees to Pay Elves Who Manually Coordinate Course Registration $15 an Hour

Progressives around campus are applauding Penn for finally agreeing to compensate the elves who manually coordinate course registration with $15 an hour for their work.


Study: Extent of Students' Activism Directly Equivalent to How Much They Post on Facebook

The findings support previous research which concluded that students value “clout” roughly 10 times more than social impact.


Poli Sci 001 Student Fucking Pumped to Scream Political Theory at Family During Thanksgiving

"Just wait until I bust out John Locke’s social contract theory after Uncle Jeffrey tries to argue about illegal immigration."


Freshman Realizing Signing Year-Long Lease with Essential Strangers Might Have Been a Bit Hasty

“There was a lot of pressure to sign the lease before November,” Rodriguez said.


Student Voter Turnout at Record Low After Postmates Discontinues Ballot Delivery

The service would pick up and drop off ballots for students for only $9.99, traveling distances as far as 0.2 miles (the furthest any student is from a polling location).


Thoughtful Roommate Leaves Dirty Pan Out for Next User

Local hero Dana Klein (C ’20) had both the environment and her roommate’s wellbeing in mind last Thursday when she left her dirty pan on the stove after cooking a somehow-burnt batch of scrambled eggs.


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