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Crime Log: October 18-24


Artwork by MJ Kang

False Imprisonment

Oct 19: The victim was briefly trapped inside a restroom at a fraternity party when a couple leaned against the door while engaging in prolonged kissing and touching. By the time the victim escaped the restroom, his teammate had found a replacement for the ongoing pong game. 

Possession of Weapons of Mass Destruction

Oct 23: A Wharton freshman went to the grocery store without a parent for the first time in his life and purchased a can of fermented Baltic sea herring instead of a can of tuna. The stench forced administrators to evacuate Riepe College House. Bomb-sniffing dogs at the scene were disgusted by the smell and could not complete their duties, with one submitting a letter of resignation the next day. Authorities say the stench should be gone from the building within the next two weeks.


Oct 20: A College sophomore alleges that he was robbed on the way to recitation. The perpetrator took his homework and made him delete the file from his computer, but didn't take anything else.

Conspiracy to Commit Treason

Oct 20: Two students were found to have begun work on transfer applications to Princeton University. They have been sentenced to death.