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Crime Log: September 27 - October 3


Artwork by MJ Kang


Sep 27: The CVS on 40th was robbed by an unarmed man who also happened to have no arms. “I thought he was just hiding his arms,” said the CVS cashier who handed him (no pun intended) $3.27 in cash. “I didn’t know they were actually gone or I would’ve told him to leave.” Police are currently on the lookout for a man with no arms.


Sep 29: A woman was arrested for impersonating Amy Gutmann. However, she was released when it was revealed Gutmann had been a hologram all along.


Sep 30: Lithium-Ion.


October 2: Freshman was heard saying “That math midterm killed me.” After further investigation, Penn Police arrested math midterm, who was responsible for a series of similar murders in the past week.