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Alex Xu


Student With 55 Tabs Open Hasn't Opened 51 of Them in Weeks

When asked for his greatest quality, Matt Oliver (W ‘20) would probably respond with his ability to multitask.

College Econ Major Explains Benefits of Liberal Arts Education to Goldman Sachs Recruiter

Paul Hardy (C ‘20) came to college seeking an interdisciplinary education, but he was also interested in the economy and wanted to pursue a career in finance

Annoying Attention Seeker in English Recitation Actually Cracks Funny Joke

A stuck-up girl who never learned manners, Kowalski dominates almost every recitation she goes to, finding the most inappropriate times to crack wildly inappropriate jokes.

‘Seeing My High School Friends Was Weird -- I've Changed So Much,' Reports Freshman After Fall Break

Julia Matthews (W ‘22) knew she was always slightly outperforming her peers. She could understand math problems faster than most people, and she always gave the most insightful comments during classroom discussions. Of course, she was accepted to Penn.

Freshman Delighted To Discover Last Page Of Six Page Reading is a Bibliography

A six page, 10 point font, single spaced behemoth of a reading laid before her. She’d been here before.

Fintech Company Executives Actually Met at NSO Toga Party

For some, networking begins on day one. CEO Jake Howard (E '10) and CFO Adam Kaminsky (W '10) of CryptoCrack, a revolutionary fintech company that describes itself as the “Venmo, Square, and Robinhood of Crypto,” reveal the story of how they met—during New Student Orientation of their freshman year.

Junior Rejected From Summer Internships Goes Back to Starting Fake Companies Again

He created a hip new startup that was a crowdsourced way to choose your own driver, or “Tinder for Uber” as he called it. Since he was a determined, Type A, business-minded hustler, he called up a few of his more technically inclined friends to code the app, after which they were promised equity and experience for their resume.

'This is the Hardest Week, and Then I’m Done,' Says Junior Every Week Since February

Junior Ben Collins (C ‘19) has two notable qualities: he’s an optimist, and he’s a procrastinator. Whenever schoolwork gets tough, he keeps his head up. “You’ve gotta have some dark times to appreciate the good ones,” he always thinks to himself. During every difficult, stressful week he has, Collins thinks of the bright future ahead.

Freshman Thinking Up Excuses to Miss Lecture Realizes No One Actually Cares if He Skips

Malcolm Jacobs (C ‘21) had a rough night. After taking one too many shots of Burnett’s, Jacobs woke up with a bucket of vomit by his bed and a load of regrets in his head. There was no way he was going to be able to attend his 9 a.m. Physics lecture.

​Prospective Freshman's Dinner With Parents Interrupted by 'Deepthroat' by CupcakKe

“Hump me, fuck me! Daddy better make me choke!” came bursting in through the cafe. Deborah Williams choked and gagged on her honey smoked turkey breast on ciabatta.