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Hazing Scandal Sees Kelly Writers House Kicked Off Campus

Locust Walk and KWH

The Kelly Writers House (KWH) has had its fair share of problems over the past few years. Once considered the hub of Penn’s literary scene, the KWH seems to be fighting a losing battle against new institutions such as an upcoming 1.2 billion dollar English building and the tree that’s been obscuring the sign in front of its door as of late.

To add insult to injury, the KWH learned this morning that it has been kicked off campus. The charge? Cruel and excessive hazing of new members.

Our reporter visited the Penn Presbyterian hospital to interview the latest victims of the KWH’s application cycle.

“They made us eat this artisanal cheese” moaned Katherine Cenna (C ’18) “And everyone just kept saying how quaint the whole thing was over and over again until ‘quaint’ stopped sounding like a word. And then I fainted. I dunno, I might be lactose intolerant but is language even real if you can just make a word stop being a word? And what about…”

At this point, a pair of tired nurses wheeled her off in a straitjacket.

Following this, our reporter made his way over to a young man restrained to a gurney. “I had to write a sonnet. Fine, right, right?” a nurse wiped away the froth quickly gathering around his mouth, and he continued. “But they said I wasn’t allowed to rhyme any of it and oh god you can’t do that to Shakespeare, you just can’t.”

Absolutely tragic. While the KWH’s iconic 38th street location has already been turned into an annex of the Perry World House (who knew meth labs needed so much space), the KWH isn’t giving up without a fight. Just this week, their hardworking staff have all but flooded the office of the Provost with tureens of homemade soup, tickets to their biannual slam poetry recital, and handwritten cards from students who forgot to sign up for a meal plan and get 80 percent of their weekly nutrition from KWH’s free potlucks.

On the bright side, Penn recently announced a brand-new Writing Seminar Studies major to help these unfortunate affected students get as far away from the English language as humanly possible.