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Verdict: Student's Parents Were Much Cooler Than Him in College


/ Public Domain

In a unanimous decision, an impartial committee has decided that, in light of all relevant evidence, the parents of Carlos Romero (C ’19) were almost certainly cooler than him when they were in college.

Charges were brought against the defendant, Mr. Carlos Romero Jr., by his parents, after they became aware that, much to their chagrin, he had spent his last three Saturday nights planning out his schedule for the next five semesters, up to and including his planned masters degree.

“It’s just not how we raised him,” commented Mr. Romero Sr. after the decision. “He went to an average of three birthday parties a week growing up. We made sure he was invited to every one. I don’t know how this happened.”

Mr. and Mrs. Romero were both presidents of their respective Greek organizations in college. They performed in theater and other arts groups, and were invited to every major on-campus event. Both participated in varsity athletics. Mr. Romero even had a pony-tail for two years when it was cool.

Romero Jr. was able to fool his parents for his freshman and sophomore year, sending them pictures of him photoshopped into various date nights and formals. He bought hundreds of dollars of Penn Athletics gear and faked four injuries as excuses for why he couldn’t play in the varsity lacrosse games. Unfortunately, he couldn’t pretend forever.

"I meant to text my friend 'LOL, 3rd sat doing nothing' but accidentally sent it to my dad," Romero Jr. said. "That's when I knew the jig was up."

Charges were filed almost immediately and a verdict was reached after forty minutes of deliberation. The committee's final decision stated that there was "no doubt" Romero Jr.'s parents were cooler than him when they were his age. The decision also implied his parents may be cooler "even at the present."

Romero Jr. was sentenced to six months counselling by his parents on how to improve his reputation and become more popular at school. His ultimate goal is to join a humor publication, which are known as some of the most elite groups on campus.